WWDC 2019 (feat. Billie Eilish): the big one

Tim Cook steps out on stage to rapturous applause. This is the big one. Tim knows it. The audience knows it.

MKBHD has two batteries fully charged for his $24,000 RED camera to shoot a 4 minute selfie video after the event. Dieter Bohn is rehearsing quirky facial expressions to camera for his own post-show video.

John Gruber is sat doing not much. Because that’s what he’s about these days. Like Paulie from goodfellas. Gruber might move slow, but that’s only because Gruber doesn’t have to move for nobody.

Rene Ritchie is wearing his most expensive Hermès Apple Watch strap.

I could go on.

The audience is going wild.

“Thank you, thank you.” Tim Cook waves and smiles, “Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my gosh, thank you.” Tim Cook will say thank you 6 times. If I’m correct, retweet this blog.

This is where things get a bit crazy.

“ONE MORE THING!” Tim suddenly exclaims, “I’d like to introduce a very special guest to unveil a very special new product”.

Back stage, Apple roadies start looking at each other with concerned faces. This is off-script, they look at Craig Federighi, who does a panicky shrug.

“Billie Eilish!” Tim squeals. “Will now introduce the all new Mac Pro! Billie Eilish!”

Back stage are now like wtf.

Billie Eilish, who is having blood packs attached to her body for a fake mass-shooting during her end of event song, an edgy piece in protest to mass shootings, looks confused.

“Yo I thought my shit at the end of the show?”

Three Apple roadies grab her and shove her out on stage. “Just go with it.” one barks.

“Kill the lights!” Tim shouts.

The lighting guys up in the booth look at each other.

“Kill the lights, I said!” Tim pretend air-holds a machine gun and air-shoots the stage lights. Which is actually clever foreshadowing but Apple staff are too preoccupied to notice.

The lighting guys turn off the lights and the stage goes dark.

“Dark mode!” Tim announces triumphantly.

“Yo fucking dark mode y’all.” Billie Eilish yells in appropriated Hip Hop talk while striding the stage.

Rene Ritchie is loving every second of this shit show. He lets out a huge whoop but his voice breaks and it’s like a 10 year old’s scream.

The rest of the audience is silent.

“That was dark mode! Billie, show them the new Mac Pro!”

Billie Eilish swaggers over to a plinth with a sheet draped over an object. She whips it away revealing the new Mac Pro. A beautiful shiny black tower. Looks like the monolith from 2001 but fatter. If I’m correct, retweet this blog. It’s plugged into a new Apple display. Which looks like a sideways monolith from 2001 but thinner. If I’m correct, retweet this blog.

The audience gasps. Eddie Cue’s head nods forward falling asleep then lurches back as he wakes up. “Slippers.” He says.

Billie Eilish turns the Mac Pro on. She’s actually loving this and can’t wait to let off the blood packs during her end of event song. She really is edgy like that. Like, makes you think ‘woah’.

The beautiful huge display boots into iOS 13.

The audience gasps again.

“Yes you see right! The all new Mac Pro runs on iOS 13!” Tim Cook beams.

“iOS 13 motherfuckers! Unlucky for some!” Billie Eilish says.

The audience is silent.

Federico Viticci can’t believe his fucking luck. He quickly draws a badly drawn 2-frame animation on his iPad of a stick man waving its arms in celebration and holds it up.

“And guess what.” Tim continues, “that’s not all.”

John Gruber sighs and wonders what full time retirement is like. As opposed to part-time.

“The new iPad Pro.” Tim holds it up. And, you guessed it. “It runs on macOS 10.15!”

The audience starts to boo.

“What?” Tim Cook shouts at the crowd. “iOS on the Mac. MacOS on the iPad. This is what you want. You know it’s what you want. Where’s your hockey puck now.”

“Up your arse!” An English tech journalist shouts back.

“Cook’s lost it.” Federighi whispers back stage.

Even Steve Troughton-Smith thinks it’s gone a little too far.

The audience are really booing now.

“BILLIE. HIT IT!” Tim spins and does two trigger fingers at Billie Eilish, which is some more good foreshadowing.

Finally Billie Eilish gets to let off the blood packs.

“ENOUGH.” screams a voice from the back of Steve Jobs Theatre.

The audience fall silent and look around. Under a heavenly bright spot light is Steve Jobs.

Steve nods to the lighting guys up in the booth. They do a hand salute back.

“Enough.” Steve says again. “Tim Cook. Your reign of madness is over.”

And with that Steve Jobs lets rip the two real machine guns he’s carrying under each arm at the stage like Rambo / the end of Inglorious Basterds.

Tim Cook’s and Billie Eilish’s heads explode like a WWDC 2019 invite graphic.