Humor
5 Reasons Why I Love Van Life For The Very Reasons Everyone Else Hates It
You Could Say I’m Van’s Best Friend
1. Smaller Size = Life-Changing Connections!
You think vans are too small for even one person and their thoughts? Much less for you and someone else? WRONG. My van brought me and my bro closer than ever before. Literally. I sleep on the front seat. He sleeps in the back. And our connection with one another is tight. I stalk his twitter feed, he stalks my Insta. Easy peasy.
2. NO space and NO privacy!
Also, no big deal. My childhood spent living in a 1000-sq-ft. apartment with 10+ people set me up for vanlife. The parents’ generosity turned the dumpy van into a little palace-on-wheels and is always open for business, cousins, family, friends, and gossip sessions. And uncle and aunt’s nightly shenanigans. Their “let’s do it quietly so no one can hear us” takes me back to those glorious days of grunting sounds I heard as a kid and is now sweet, sweet, lullaby for a good night’s sleep.
3. The Unique Sounds and Smells!
Oh, I prepared for this all my life. Belches and farts from fellow van-travelers are like loud Bollywood songs, midnight banging sounds from a stranger, robber or sojourner who wants your parking spot is like white noise, and the constant puke-y feel I have from stinky odors emanating from the bathroom that’s two steps away from my bed is like lavender air freshener without the lavender. What doesn’t kill you leaves you halfway braindead. The intense odor in my van is a privilege that seeps into my brain via my nostrils and may eventually finish the job completely. But hey, I get to live and sleep in a bed that’s smaller than your closet.
4. You Can Take Longer Showers!
I won’t live long enough or care enough about how our somewhat lush planet of today will turn into scorched earth for our future generations. You ever heard of “forest bathing”? This is even better because you wash your whole self by standing out in the rain whenever you want! Basically, they’re assholes. And I will take long ass showers in my van that’s a third the size of your garage. So, f…ing deal, OK?
5. You Can Become Best Buds with Walmart!
Look…all those Instagram glamor videos with breathtaking sunrise or sunset views at Yosemite, Ojai or Yellowstone…I haven’t seen any of it yet. Instead, my views are even more spectacular. I spend 25 days out of a month in a Walmart parking lot looking at people without teeth chewing and spitting tobacco and wearing pants with their buttholes showing. How lucky am I? I guess I could complain about Walmart’s ethics on not paying me a living wage, providing health insurance, and sexual harassment, but I’m not an ungrateful wretch like some others. At least I get parking AND Twizzlers FOR FREE! (I hear they’re thinking of giving us actual toilet paper in the future and not thin tissues).
