Humor
8 Beauty Products to Alleviate the Hideous Malaise of Working from Home
Because the onus is on you to be okay
The corporate landscape has changed, and many employees now work from home all or some of the time, forever. This arrangement creates unique stresses, but as HR departments across America remind us over and over, there’s no discontent that a little self care can’t cure. Here are eight must-have treatments designed to make your tattered face look fresh again.
Better-than-tears hydrating mask
All-natural aloe extract soothes the T-zone, encouraging a dewy glow that comes through even on Zoom.
Daily anti-redness primer
Crushed chamomile protects against dry skin—and the onset of flushed annoyance when conflicting feedback pops up on email, Slack, Zoom, text, and Microsoft Teams, all at the same time.
Camera-on concealer
Over time, Mississippi River silt treats both bitchface and yawning, smoothing outward expressions of emotional chaos to effectively convince coworkers you’re engaged and compassionate.
Never-blink under eye spackle
A blessed combo of topical cocaine and Lexapro will get you through ten hours of tab toggling. Seamlessly glide between a video call about quarterly benchmarks, New York Times Ukraine coverage, Buzzfeed’s 21 Cutest Knick-Knacks To Make Your Shitty Apartment Look Like a Sanctuary, and an Amazon cart jam-packed with dopamine-promising trash.
Scream-stifling cream
Swaddle your wailing inner child in inch-thick whipped seahorse milk to replace feelings like “No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to!” with words like, “Yes, I’m happy to help, and I think this will go a long way toward achieving our quarterly benchmarks.”
Time-dilating toner
Tighten your pores while stretching the space-time continuum. In addition to attending nine hours of back-to-back meetings, you’ll be able to cook and eat two meals, walk the dog, water the plants, sign for a package, have a little snack, call your landlord about that broken light (again), and still do nine hours of actual work. Neat!
Essence of existentialism spray
Infusions of ancient stardust sink through your facial fascia the whole way to your comfort-thirsty brain, cementing the fact that while your work has become both lonely and overwhelming, it’s as temporary as your corporeal form, and as meaningless as your quarterly benchmarks.
Reincarnating chemical peel
Prepare to look yourself in the mirror again! Sulfuric acid with hints of lemon and lavender will peel off your actual face, replacing your wearied shell with a plump, bright-eyed visage. Most effective after a rage-quit, but before taking up the same role at a new company with inevitably identical structural flaws.
