Humor
A Guided Tour of the Human Discovery Exhibit
All About Antkind’s Favorite Extinct Species
Welcome, and thank you for attending today’s tour of the Human Discovery Exhibit, my personal favorite part of the Museum of Antkind History. We’re here to answer all your questions about this beloved long-extinct species.
Did All of the Humans Die Out Before the Evolution of Ants?
As we walk the great hall depicting how ants came to be Earth’s dominant species, you will see famous works of art in which ants live underfoot while humans roam the earth. In these paintings, we even see insects alongside dinosaurs, the great lizard-birds who roamed the earth billions of years ago. One might say that this earth belongs to us more than it ever belonged to either of them.
Were Humans Alone?
Follow me into the Human Gallery, where we have built dioramas of all different types of humans. Humans walking on four limbs; humans with long expressive tails; even humans with rows of sharp, terrible teeth!
How do we know these are all humans? What a silly question!
Did Humans Have Exoskeletons?
Now, turn your attention to one of the many preserved human skeletons we have here at the museum — I like to call this one Chomper.
We’ve all seen the human skeleton before: the wide gaping eye holes, the tidy abdomen cage, and of course, the nimble appendages splintering from the limbs.
It would be ridiculous to imagine that imposing structure hidden away inside layers of muscle, skin and artificial protective coverings. That’s exactly how we know human skeletons were on the outside, where skeletons are supposed to be.
Did Humans Lay More Eggs Than Ants?
While we might know the miracle of life as hundreds of thousands of eggs just waiting to hatch into fully grown and ready to work ants, we have to remember that other life forms aren’t as productive as we are.
We have found evidence of human litters ranging from two to eight pupae per birth. This meant that a wide variety of resources was available for human pupae, including some of the items we have on display here, such as monogrammed weapons, plush human figurines that squeak when handled, and elaborate cages.
What Did Humans Eat?
With no other evidence, we had in the past assumed that humans ate primarily grains, fruits, and leafy greens. Surely they weren’t eating other humans or even insects, no matter what the crickets say.
Recently, our researchers have discovered another source of human nutrition in what was apparently called a “confectionary”. You may now take turns to view some of the preserved items, but please do not pierce the protective covering and slurp out the sweet sugar inside. We’ve had word from research that a few dedicated ant scientists tested the foodstuffs themselves and they have confirmed that the “confections” are delicious, that the protective covering is probably not edible, and that those ant scientists are definitely still alive.
Did Humans Go Extinct Due to the Sudden Loss of their Queens?
As we make our exit, please take a moment to bow to the unnervingly large portrait of our Queen, which brings us to our final question. We know what happens when a Queen dies: the rest of the colony generally does not last long. While we don’t have evidence that documents the loss of all of humanity’s Queens, we do know that their swift decline began shortly after the demise of one powerful Queen (we believe her title was “Beyonce”).
