Humor
A Letter to the Tenant From the Squirrel Living in the Attic
Here’s hoping spring gets here soon because it has been a LONG winter sharing paper thin walls with you.
Dear Tenant,
I hate to do this but could you keep it down? My family and I have been trying to be polite upstairs neighbors to you, but we’re just not seeing the same kindness in return and it’s getting pretty annoying. Do you think we want our pre-bedtime run across the length of your apartment to be interrupted by a phone call with your mom on speakerphone asking how the weather was that day? News flash Carol, it’s winter, the weather is COLD, which is how we’ve found ourselves in this predicament. I don’t want to say it would be better living outside in the snow right now…but it certainly would be QUIETER.
And while we’re airing our grievances, what’s with your at-home workouts? You know gym memberships are relatively inexpensive and that’s coming from a furry who is living rent-free in your attic, so I know you can afford it. If my three kittens have to be woken up one more time by your elephant shoe attempts at a squat jump to some copyright-free pop music on YouTube, I’m going to chew a hole through your ceiling and leave a present on your carpet. A horse head in the bed, if you will. A message that we’re here and we’re not going anywhere so cut the shit.
By the way, I didn’t want to have to go this far, but I have heard you tell multiple people that your biggest fear is opening your dryer and having one of us pop out because we somehow got through the air vent pipe — and I can very easily make that happen. If all you need is a good scare to stop leaving your TV on Friends re-runs all night long, I’m more than willing to oblige. Do you know how hard it is to get up early and spend the day foraging for acorns in a frozen tundra after a sleepless night wondering if Ross and Rachel were indeed on a break? I’ve got many mouths to feed up here. It’s a lot of pressure. I can’t take care of my family with all of these distractions!
Besides your penchant for lead feet and criminally high TV volume (ya ever heard of subtitles?) there’s just one more thing that’s really been bristling my tail. Can you set the thermostat to 70? Look, I get that you’re cheap, I think by now you’ve discovered just how thin these walls really are. But keeping your heat off in the winter because you’re on the second floor and heat rises just isn’t working for us. Heat can’t rise if there’s none to rise! My winter coat only does so much and we don’t have the luxury of sherpa-lined or electric heated blankets. We’re freezing up here! In fact, the warmest we’ve been is the weekend your mom came to visit and turned up the thermostat in each room because she doesn’t have to pay the bill and claimed it felt drafty. So let’s cut a deal. You treat every day like your mom is visiting and in return, I’ll tell the kits to stop digging above your head when you’re on a Zoom call. I feel like that’s a generous trade-off.
Like I said, I’m not trying to cause any trouble here, I just feel like if we come to an agreement to be more respectful neighbors, it’s the best way to get us all through this long, hard winter. I hear you sobbing through your therapy session each week, and I can relate. Imagine being in a loveless marriage squatting in someone’s attic until the weather warms up with three rambunctious little ones. Anyway, not trying to get you to pity me but also, we all have a bushel to carry and I’m not just talking acorns here. Feel free to write me back or just knock the ceiling three times so I know you’ve agreed to the terms.
Sincerely,
Frank
(The squirrel living in your attic)
