Humor
A Loaf of Wheat Bread’s Dream-Life is Thwarted by Matzo
or, “The Passover”
The pride I felt when I was pulled from that metal shelf at the Whole Foods store and put into that ridiculously large grocery cart? I was dizzy with glee. But now that I’ve experienced Passover? …I am 100% certain there is no God.
During my first two days here in this home, I was placed in a position of honor — in a special compartment on the counter where there’d be no one to easily squeeze my hardy, virgin skin. Six of my slices were chosen almost immediately for some roast beef sandwiches, which were taken away the next day in two lunch boxes and one briefcase. I was giddy with contentment… until that fateful Tuesday when I was inexplicably ignored.
No toast in the morning, no peanut butter or jelly rubbed across me, no slices pulled out so the kids can feed the ducks at the park. In fact, yesterday around lunchtime, the little boy opened up my compartment home but was told he could not select me, that he needed to eat some thin bitch called “Matzo.”
Um, no one ever mentioned I’d have to compete with this crumbly carbohydrate when all of us newborn dough loaves were preparing to enter our assigned retail establishment. I cannot comprehend what might be going on in this household. Since when are families choosing this sad excuse of a snack over time-tested, much-adored whole wheat bread?
For several days, I felt like I was the chosen one. Now, I am being passed over for a flat and flavorless imitation. The God to whom I thought I had been praying to has obviously forgotten about me.
My fondness for my adopted family has now turned into resentment. They ghosted me again this morning, despite my sitting right here in front of their eyes! To top it off, it sounded like the little girl was asking for peanut butter… on her Matzo. What the actual fuck — is this not child abuse?!
Now it’s been a week and these “people” still haven’t noticed me. If they don’t get their act together and consume me soon, I’m gonna find a way for them to catch the green fungi that’s begun growing on my heel so I can have them enjoy the toxic taste of my REVENGE!
