Humor
A Plea from Your Tiki Torch Under the Shed
Can’t we go back to the ole days before Neo-Nazi’s?
Psst. Hey, over here. No, over here, on the ground next to the shed. It’s me,Tad, your tiki torch. Remember me bud?
Hey wait, no, it’s totally cool. I get it. Really, I get it.
That was a bad look back in 2017. I mean, talk about the worst timing. We literally just had an epic cook out the day before! The beer was flowing, Brenda brought the potato salad with the apples in it, and your play list was absolute fire- Jack Johnson AND Rihanna?! Then as the sun went down, Lisa fired me and my bros up and we kept the party going. We’re over there keeping the mosquitos at bay, casting that flickering ambient light as we do. Just quietly setting the scene man.
And then bam, one day later, just like that, totally canceled. And I get it, trust me, I get it. The optics were pretty bad. Like really? White Supremacists? In college?. Who even does that? I mean like yeah, frat parties are for sure in our wheelhouse, a lot of my bros made their living at those parties, but like we never aligned with any of the toxic bullshit. We are all about good vibes man, always have been. Come on, you know this. But look, we know we had to sit it out for awhile. And I’m totally cool with it, we all needed some time to heal, recenter our chill.
We’re not even supposed to be carried around like that. I think it even says so on the tag around my neck. Does it happen? Sure. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’ve never seen a dude throw back one too many Brew Careys and decide to toss us like a spear across the yard. But usually someone’s like “Hey dude, chill out, that’s not cool.” And that’s like the end of it.
In a way, I’m sort of glad I had to go under-shed for a couple of years. The only people still using us at parties were like the worst. Same red, white and blue motifs over and over like really? Sure on the 4th of July, maybe Memorial Day, but those assholes just cover everything in flags all the time, it’s totally insane.
Also, not for nothing dude, you really could have used us during that lockdown. I mean you couldn’t leave your house for a year man and you’ve got this great backyard just sitting there. Couple tiki torches could have really elevated your stoke level. Just saying.
And I know they make some pretty chill affordable backyard lighting options these days, I’m not mad at it. Actually, I really like those Old timey bulb looking strands people have now. But between you and me, those bulbs don’t do shit for mosquitos.
Dude, look, here’s my pitch: I know you gotta have some leftover citronella oil in the kitchen under the sink. No pressure, just spark me up for like 5 minutes, if you don’t like it, you can snuff me out put me right back halfway under the shed and I’ll leave you alone.
But if when that citronella smoke hits, and you get taken back to a happier time, promise me you’ll get a few more of my buds from the Home Depot, fill the Yeti with some brew dogs and snag a brisket from Cosco. Then send out an email to 10–12 of your friends, encourage, but not require a rapid test prior to arrival, dust off that Big Green Egg, and throw down a killer socially distanced bbq.
You know we both need this, man…c’mon. For old times’ sake?
