Humor

A Review of Our Experiment to Replace Prison Guards with Substitute Teachers

We’d assumed the public school system would have prepared them for this

Photo by Ron Lach.

Dear Governor,

Inspired by your campaign promise to create thousands of jobs for Floridians — while simultaneously slashing thousands of union positions — we’ve instituted a novel program in Unit 3310 of our state’s penitentiaries. For four weeks, we’ve run a trial of replacing prison guards (who are under intense scrutiny thanks to far-left extremist organizations like Netflix) with a so far untarnished work force: substitute teachers.

Due to their lack of any discernible effect in the public school system, the state’s secretary of education was perfectly willing, and eager, to part with them for the duration of this program.

While we’re extremely excited by this concept’s potential, we feel compelled to inform you of a few unfortunate incidents (listed below) that we’ve experienced in the first month before we proceed any further:

1. The inmates convinced the substitutes that prisoner 250671 was here on a foreign exchange program and managed to get him put on a flight to Finland.
2. The prisoners convinced a substitute that the prison hamster had escaped so she would spend the weekend looking for it while the inmates played UNO instead of working. The prison hasn’t had a hamster since 1993.
3. The substitutes didn’t inspect incoming parcels for the first two weeks because it wasn’t written in the instructions left behind. Five chisels, three knives, and a whoopi cushion were found in cells.
4. We hadn’t considered that substitute teachers wouldn’t have the physical or mental stamina to work more than two days every other week. Several had to consult the prison doctor for electrolyte injections and pep talks.
5. The inmates convinced the substitutes that conjugal visits with prostitutes were allowed, as “breaking the law once you’re already in prison is permitted”. This was one of many crimes resulting from this premise further addressed in the report Prison-based identity fraud and counterfeit mayonnaise: the crimes of unit 3310.
6. Several of the substitutes got lost on their way to the prison and mistook a retirement home for the minimum security unit.
7. Inmate 278331 convinced a substitute the normal guards allowed him to use the stapler then proceeded to terrorize the unit with it.
8. We’d assumed the substitutes would excel at teaching the Reintroduction to Society classes; however, they just played the history channel.
9. The prisoners convinced the substitutes the regular guards didn’t make them eat fruits or vegetables; we’re now experiencing an eruption of rickets amongst the general population.
10. During roll call, all the inmates hummed until the substitutes couldn’t take it and started crying.
11. The Jacksonville Strangler managed to convince the substitutes he was actually inmate 230457 — incarcerated for opening his wife’s mail — and that inmate 230457 was actually The Strangler. It appears we electrocuted the mail opener.
12. One of the substitutes taught the inmates cursive handwriting; they proceeded to forge my signature on several documents — I now own a timeshare in Phoenix.
13. One of the substitutes played The Shawshank Redemption on movie night, particularly unsettling the inmates.
14. Serial killer, Thomas Jimmers, managed to delay his execution by convincing the substitutes his ankle was sprained and it was against policy for him to be executed until it felt better.
15. Inmate 433984 escaped by digging a tunnel hidden behind a Rita Hayworth poster using a miniature rock hammer he’d convinced the substitutes was for shaping chess pieces. This was an otherwise docile inmate; we’ve no idea where he got the idea.
16. Inmate 449214 pretended to be me on Halloween and not only got himself released but stole my car.

While the substitutes don’t appear to have any control over the inmates, as they aren’t unionized or particularly well respected, they’ll work for practically nothing, and we believe three escapes a month is sustainable. Therefore, we recommend ending the trial prematurely and making this a permanent measure.

Sincerely,

Warden Norris.

P.S.: We’ve been advised to inform you that the non-unionized prison guards who became substitute teachers have asked for their jobs back as they can’t handle students in the public school system.