Humor
A Scouting Report Ahead of Your 4-Year-Old’s Tee Ball Game
Thanks, but nobody asked for this
Coach,
I’m once again taking it upon myself to scout our tee ball opponents ahead of each game. I know you asked me repeatedly last season to stop, but I realize you’re just being considerate of my time. Don’t worry, I’m doing it for the team. Go Vipers!
Our first game of the season is this Saturday against the Orange Toucans, so last weekend I slipped into the Toucan’s fanbase. This was a more dangerous operation than you might think, Coach, as most of the parents knew each other and didn’t recognize me. An old Cheetos t-shirt and some orange face paint went a long way though.
Before the game I probed the other fans: So, have we figured out who our RBI guys are yet? Who’s going to have our best slugging percentage? Any spray-hitters? Oppo-hitters? I was met with mostly confused looks, which to me, Coach, signals that they aren’t using the advanced Sabermetrics that I’ve been running for our team. We’re dealing with a bunch of amateurs here, Coach.
Without being able to collect any hard data, I was left to observe the team’s play, and what I saw was not pretty:
Offense
Before I go into actual offensive performance, let me note that their players look soft as hell: Jerseys untucked and dangling at their ankles like they’re at a goddamn slumber party, too-big hats falling over their eyes like they’re wearing cooking pots, pudgy cheeks and doughy arms like they hadn’t weight trained since birth.
Watching their actual bats, though, was a disgrace to the game. The majority of every inning was spent propping the tee back up, as every single batter wailed on the tee like it owed them money. Of the three kids I saw make actual contact with the ball, one fell over backwards and started bawling, one took off toward third base, and one was… Johnny Sullivan.
Johnny is the complete package, Coach. He’s built like a brick shithouse, and he’s lightning quick. But he’s being totally mismanaged: 10th in the batting order! I think, Coach, that if we butter his parents up, we may be able to pull him onto the Vipers. You know, take them out to Parisi’s with a short presentation and a little Johnny bobblehead made up? I’ll make a reservation.
Defense
The defense can be summed up in two words: Mental Mush. Out in the field these guys had no idea where they were or that a ball game was even occurring: Picking dandelions, picking their nose, spinning in circles, sitting on the ground with their humongous jersey pulled over their knees — a total circus. The left fielder missed a routine fly because he was yelling to his mom that he wanted to go to the pool after the game. Unbelievable! The kid should be hitting the weight room after the game because his attempt to throw home barely rolled to third base.
Throughout the game I was tallying all of their fielding errors, but quickly became unsure whether I should count things like “getting tripped up in pants that had fallen around the ankles” and “running, not throwing, the ball from center field to home plate”. Eventually a parent asked what I was counting. I said “smiles” and they asked me to leave the park. I think they were on to me, Coach.
One Danger Area
Despite the aforementioned mental and physical shortcomings, their psychological warfare was strong. I’m talking rally caps in the dugout all game and coordinated taunting like you wouldn’t believe: “We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!” they yelled relentlessly. I recognized they guy on the pitcher’s mound my chiropractor, Dr. Hadley, who suffers from terrible eczema. Now I don’t know how the kids received that intel, but Hadley was clearly shaken by the accuracy and incessancy of their jeering.
And at the end of the game, after they lost 18-zip, you know what they did, Coach? They cheered for the other goddamn team. Talk about getting in their head for the next matchup!
Summary
In summary, Coach, I think we should beat the Toucans handily, especially if we’re able to sway Johnny Sullivan’s parents before the game (I just made reservations at Parisi’s for tomorrow at 5pm).
Once again, I expect nothing in return for this report, but perhaps as a token of your gratitude consider moving my Timmy up in the batting order. As you know, he’s got pro-potential, and it’s important that any MLB scouts at our games recognize that.
— Timmy’s Dad
