A Skincare Convo with My Gal Pal Earth

We both may be doomed.

Me: Hey, I could use some advice from an older, wiser gal pal.

Earth: Sup?

Me: I’ve always looked up to you when it comes to aging gracefully without any TLC. I mean, you literally give 7.8 billion people life, nutrients, and accommodations and you’ve never even had a facelift! What’s your secret? SPF 50?

Earth: Who needs SPF when you’ve got the ozone layer! Although, it got dicey in the 80’s when y’all created a hole over Antarctica. My buns were blazing! Luckily Aqua Net was just a fad, plus scientists scared the bejesus out of you to holster your aerosol cans so I could get a little shade.

Me: Oh, that was before my time.

Earth: WHAT! How old ARE you?

Me: I’ve just hit 30 but as you can see, I’ve been treating my skin like the floor of a college bar my whole life. Sis, I’m spiraling. I need you to tell me it’ll be ok. I looked in the mirror this morning and gasped when I saw my mother staring back. Is it Freaky Friday?

Earth: I noticed you have been looking a little rough lately, but who am I to judge? I’m barely hanging on. If Kim K takes the PJ from Calabasas to LA one more time for a photoshoot, I’mma blow. YOU CAN’T REPLACE A DAILY COMMUTE WITH SMOKING HOT JET FUEL. It’s polluting me!

Me: Wanna talk about pollution?! Look no further than Wet n Wild’s watermelon scented roll-on body glitter. I shellacked that on from head to toe every day in my pre-teens.

Earth: Ooh, so you applied a little shimmer? That’s cute. Try having all your trees cut down to make room for more developments. You know that little waterfront condo you live in? It used to be a forest and I got 5 degrees hotter when it was built.

Me: See?! You get HOTTER with age! That’s what I want! Through all my years of fake baking, boozin it up, sleeping in a sultry smokey eye, and the occasional drunk cig (don’t tell my mom) I thought about you. Girl, how do you take a literal beating from us AND the sun and you don’t look a day over 3 bill?!

Earth: As flattering as that is, need I remind you that for the past three Northeast winters there were more 65 degree days than snow days.

Me: Oh I remember! It’s been a real dream of January beach days. Does wonders for my seasonal depression to let the sun warm my leathery face and give my dermatologist a few more questionably cancerous moles to remove. I love that you’re embracing your Hot Flash Era, Queen.

Earth: Bitch, I went through menopause in the Stone Age! Lately, I look about as good as those deep wrinkles around your mouth. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. You shouldn’t be looking up to me, I literally quaked so hard a couple of weeks ago even Jersey was shaking in its boots. In fact, I’m about 2 tequila shots away from telling you all to fuck around and find out.

Me: Whoa, babes.

Earth: Sorry, got hot there for a minute…or 500 years. But you know what they say, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Probably in California. If I were you, I’d start taking care of things before we both end up obliterated. It’s looking grim and that isn’t the tequila talking this time.

Me: Serious suggestions only, Earth. I mean, a leopard can’t change its spots.

Earth: They’re extinct now. You savages started skinning them for coats.

Me: Not me! Fur irritates my dried out complexion. But seriously, if I tried to start a nightly 10-step skincare routine now, it’d be about as pointless as biking to work to stop global warming. Plus, buying a tiny tube of retinol in THIS economy?! I’d rather save that money for a tropical vacay when it snows for that one week in April.

Earth: True dat. Why ruin the party now?! Let’s go clubbing in Ibiza until we both crumble into dust.

Me: I’m in! And when the end comes, surely there will be an app for that.