Humor
About the Bathroom on My Boat
There’s Just One Rule
Welcome to my new boat! I’m looking forward to a six-hour harbor cruise with you and all the other guests. Note the extensive seating area here on the back deck, where three coolers full of beer are available for your enjoyment. There’s also ample bow seating, and, as you can see, a flying bridge, where everyone can take turns helming this magnificent craft. As we head inside, you’ll note all of the features and amenities that one might expect of a vessel that, as I may have mentioned, was not cheap. Here’s the spacious kitchen table, where we’ve laid out an impressive array of finger foods, and then the kitchen itself, complete with fridge (wine coolers aplenty) and a two-burner range (that glorious scent is my famous chili, which we’ll all be enjoying throughout the day). All the way forward, you can see our two spacious bedroom cabins. Everyone’s welcome to lay down at any point in the journey if they’re feeling a little seasick.
Now, you’ve probably noticed I’ve skipped one door here, which I’ll open now so that you can see this impressive space. It’s a sizeable bathroom for a boat, for sure, and believe me I paid a substantial markup for the “Luxury Supreme Head”, which is characterized by four extra square feet of space, a larger commode, and a fully separate shower stall. It’s definitely my favorite feature of the boat. That said, and I am having this same talk with everyone that comes onboard today, it is absolutely, under all circumstances, fully and completely forbidden for anyone to use the bathroom on my boat. As you saw, I taped an X across the toilet seat, and am now closing and locking the door, and placing an additional X of tape over the entire thing. If I find anyone even attempting to access this space, I swear to God you’re going overboard and, even if you should somehow make it to shore, I will still never talk to you again.
I know some of you are new to boating culture, but please be aware that any single owner of a boat with a bathroom would tell you the exact same thing. Actually, most bathroom-equipped boats come with an instruction manual stating that water is never to contact the sink basin, and to return to shore immediately if the toilet is accidentally flushed. It’s a little-known fact that any use of a pleasure-boat bathroom will fully void the vessel’s warranty.
I’m assuming that, since we’re all adults here, we can make it a few hours without needing the little boys’ or girls’ room. In case of emergency, I’ve placed buckets for peeing on both the bow and stern. I’m asking everyone to agree that we’ll all look away should anyone actually need to use these buckets. If you’re uncomfortable with that, or you’re in a more, uh, serious situation, I’m totally willing to slow down the boat and let you hop over the side real quick to take care of business. The water of Boston Harbor is actually surprisingly easy to adjust to, even in mid-September.
So, enjoy the trip! It should be great fun. I’m also really looking forward to our tailgate for the big game next week. I’ve actually got my new R.V. now, so I’ll be bringing that down for all of us to enjoy for the duration of the pre-game festivities. We can fire up the TV to watch the game preview, warm up some food in the kitchenette, stash some drinks in the fridge…but don’t you even think for one second about using the bathroom.
