Humor
AITA for Having a Contest to Pick a Kid to Inherit My Chocolate Factory?
Looking for genuine answers
Posted in r/AmITheAsshole by WillyNotWonky69
I (30M) am a chocolatier. I’ve been in the chocolate business for a long time and worked my way up to running my own factory. That’s right. This straight cis white man is completely self-made. But being a dessert mogul isn’t what it used to be. These days, anyone who can bake a hyper-realistic Croc sandal will go viral. “Is it cake?” Are you dumb?
Plus, the fame gets old. TMZ in my face asking what I think about Taylor Swift’s latest vault track — the lyric “He bit my heart / Like a chocolate bar” wasn’t exactly subtle — and paparazzi camping out to get a shot of People’s Sexiest Chocolatier…it’s not easy being so hot and charismatic in my line of work. The media is out of control. I had to close the factory to the public because influencers were putting chocolate eggs up their you-know-whats.
So I’m giving it all up and letting a random kid take over. Estate tax reasons not pervy reasons, okay? I reopened the gates to host a tour that was secretly a contest of escalating morality tests to pick the one that deserved the factory the most. Simple. It’s also the fairest way to do it without actually redistributing any wealth. Golden tickets don’t grow on trees.
But some — let’s face it, the contest losers — are saying my cool tour was “traumatizing.” They’re tweeting that I’m a “psycho” with a “God complex,” violating an NDA by the way. What gives? They didn’t like the chocolate river, just because it sucked that German boy into a pipe? Or the candy gum, just because it turned that girl into a giant blueberry? Apparently it was “fat shaming” to roll her out of the room like a tire?
I honestly didn’t think the spoiled one, that English heiress nepo baby, would get this much sympathy in our current climate. What they’re calling a garbage chute was more of a slide anyway. And shrinking that boy with taffy was just plain impressive. I guess that kind of innovation is only okay when Big Tech does it.
The biggest problem for people, though, was my workforce made up entirely of little people who have to sing and dance all day. I had my crisis PR team handling the situation but then people found out that my crisis PR team was also made up entirely of little people who have to sing and dance all day. The leaked livestream of me using my cane, which is totally REAL and NOT a super chic fashion prop, didn’t help the discourse.
Now Gen Z is asking me to “take accountability.” That’s ironic coming from them. Singing and dancing all day on TikTok is kind of their whole deal. And I don’t understand how it’s “dehumanizing” to pay someone in chocolate for their labor? The fact that humans love chocolate literally made my career. Make it make sense.
So, Reddit, AITA? Surely there are some level-headed normals on this site who can back me up here.
UPDATE: Wasn’t expecting this to blow up. Nice job getting me officially cancelled. The O**** L****** unionized, the Gloop family is suing me, and my girlfriend left me for newly single unproblematic fave Grandpa Joe (RIP Grandma Josephine). Congratulations, trolls.
UPDATE: It’s time to stop sending chocolate boxes filled with turds to my house. Thanks to whoever doxxed me and came up with that challenge. Real mature.
