Humor
Alcoholic or Oenophile?
Do I have a problem or do I just have good taste?
How is your general health?
I’ve switched to natural wine and honestly I’ve never felt better!
Now that I get my resveratrol via morning wine — great.
Do you have any friends?
My wine purveyor.
I did have one once, but we lost each other during a wild romp through a meadow of acid gooseberries, deep dark blackberry and a soupcon of new season asparagus.
Do you experience remorse after drinking?
Au contraire — I feel soft yet bold
Is that a new varietal?
Have you thought about getting help?
Yes. I’ve thought about it.
Thanks for asking, but I can drink down my collection by myself.
Do you ever have a wine-free day?
Free? I don’t know if you’ve noticed but wine is pretty expensive.
April 1st. Ha! Just kidding — there’s a reason for my bubbly personality. You think it comes naturally? Hell no, I have to drink a LOT of wine to be this much fun.
For health reasons, have you ever swapped out alcohol for non-alcoholic wine?
Please, I’d rather have a room temperature egg.
Don’t let petty health concerns get in the way of a good buzz. In fact I’ve just upped the dosage.
Have you experienced nausea, vomiting, shaking and tremors?
Of course! It’s called raspberry, chalk, seasonal nettle, a whiff of hot buttered crumpet and a soupcon of stone washed bees.
Literally my favourite terroir.
Has drinking ever led to violent thoughts?
Only when I drink wine with score less than 98.
What do you think this champagne saber is for?
Have you lost friends because of drinking?
I can’t associate with anyone who drinks fucking merlot.
See champagne saber above.
Do you have any other interests apart from wine?
Yes! I am redecorating the kitchen in cranberry notes and floral tones.
And am getting cabinets made of corks, lamps fashioned from empty bottles and wallpaper with steamed off wine labels.
Do you own specific glassware?
Please, I’m all class — or is that glass! I have tumblers, generic wine glasses, goblets, cups, organic cow horns and sustainable clayware for the vin ordinaire. And cereal bowls for morning wine.
Wine must be drunk in the proper glasswear — the big ones.
What’s your stance on tinned wine?
That’s illegal.
I’m too busy throwing up two buck chuck to have an opinion on this.
Is there something other than wine you look forward to in life apart from wine?
I’m saving up for plastic surgery to lengthen my nose — all the better to inhale wine with.
I’m confused by the question.
How much should you pay for wine?
The rough working guide is to divide your age in half and add 19.
It’s called two buck chuck for a reason.
Has excessive alcohol affected your relationship?
My safe word is vermentino.
Excuse me, I’m late for my session of afternoon dancing with the furniture. No pantalones.
[If you briefly thought about answering A to question 1, then you are an oenophile.]
