Humor
Alien Academic Returns from Earth, Shares Remarkable Insights
They achieved total resource depletion in record time!
Co-written with Eleanor Palser
Cim Cardassian: Good evening, I’m Cim Cardassian for Cometus News! I have Dr. Satyrs with me today to talk about her research on planet Earth.
Dr. Satyrs: I was initially devastated when tasked with studying this inconsequential planet for the Milky Way Genome Project. My mind changed once I recognized their absolutely incredible and I mean, PEERLESS, efficiency in causing their own extinction.
CC: What do you think this says about their collective state of mind?
Dr. S: There is no singular conscience. Some bipedals are religious. They shuffle plastic cups from black containers into blue ones dogmatically, then pass out pamphlets that say “Reduce. Reuse. Recycle”, which eventually return to the blue containers. Perhaps this unceasing loop signifies some deep desire for immortality.
CC: Did you interface with any memorable characters?
Dr. S: I interviewed one recycler, who identified as a Pisces and Elder Millennial Goth. She appeared highly sensitive to heat with boils along the ridgeline of her buttocks. One symptom of Earth’s climate change is a regression to childhood illnesses, like diaper rash. This Goth was very protective though, clad in all-black to absorb excess solar radiation.
CC: Interesting!
Dr. S: Even stranger was the Cult of Hedonism. Members purchase decorative cloth from nebulous online stores, which magically materialize in front of them within days. It’s perplexing how capable they are of complex cognition, yet governed by primal compulsion toward shiny objects. It’s a wonder they have achieved anything, let alone total resource depletion in record time.
CC: What do earthlings do for leisure?
Dr. S: Commoners use a handheld device to interface within a virtual world, forgetting that their own is crumbling. There is a small elite class of Earthling, the Homo Celebritus. They pass time in sport, navigating around the globe in privately-owned propulsive airborne machinery.
CC: How do they play?
Dr. S: You take the shortest ride as often as possible, burning as much fossil fuel as you can manage. I interviewed a renowned champion. She has produced the best carbon footprint of all time. Her flights are so short that she was given the epithet “Swift”. She was incredibly humble though, sharing that, “to attribute all these flights to me is blatantly incorrect.“ It seems her jet is primarily used as a philanthropic effort to aid lesser celebrities avoid local traffic.
CC: She has admirable team spirit!
Dr. S: Not all earthlings are so collaborative. I spoke to some city transplants — literal plants who live on the windowsills of high-rises. They stay rooted in place, dedicated to the outdated notion of air quality. They diligently convert carbon emissions into oxygen.
CC: Do they know their planet is due for extinction?
Dr. S: Yes. I spoke to a Nymphaeaceae Alba, nickname Lily, who is reconsidering her lifelong dream of motherhood. She said: “My pistil and stamen are just not sure it’s a responsible decision anymore. What kind of future would we be bringing seedlings into?”
CC: Almost certainly a doomed one! My last question is about the future of life on Earth.
Dr. S: Earthling are clearly are a capable bunch, having rendered their ecosystem thoroughly unlivable. Although, there is some reinvigorated interest in space travel. Defectors have begun assembling a fleet to Mars.
CC: Didn’t the Milky Way Genome Project reveal that Martians are extremely hostile?
Dr. S: Earthlings are adept in always making the worst choice!
CC: Stay tuned for a trailer of our new reality show about Earth’s final days before climate catastrophe! It’s called, “I’m a Human, Get Me Out of Here”!
