An Inclusion Statement From The Future Most Diverse Corporation On Earth
You could not possibly be more inclusive than we are.
Dear employees,
We failed you. For decades our company’s diversity level has been at the lowest levels of our whole industry. This changes now. We, at “Pesticides Fertilizers and Beyond Inc”, are committed to issuing a statement of inclusion that will make all other statements of inclusion look like an illegible 5-point grocery list.
Our ambitious diversity criteria follow:
Hairstyle
Last April, our HR department rejected 37 applicants because of their hair spray glossiness level. We will not allow this kind of bias to dictate our hiring decisions any longer.
Our company commits to:
- Hiring equal amounts of dandruff-burdened male candidates and bald ones. Unfortunately, man-buns still remain against company policy.
- Following a strict three-way distribution of female employees with 33% below-waist long hairstyles, 33% pixie cuts, and 33% ponytails.
Note: In case, you are planning a hair transplant or a visit to your hair salon, please consult in advance with your local HR representative to ensure that it fits our inclusion criteria.
Handedness
Several left-handed consumers are boycotting our products and calling us “Pro-Righties Scum” on social media. We could not stay passive to that. Lefties have been strong-armed for too long from the rest of us. From now on, we enforce both a 50–50 participation of both hands in our ranks and a left-handed handshake tutorial in all our management training programs. However, our support does not stop there.
We will invest in left-handed scissors, mouses, and pencils and we are committed in making the left-handed high five our official work salutation. Furthermore, we promise to organize an annual left-handed arm-wrestling competition where righties can only participate with their non-dominant hand.
Pets
We disliked pets. We thought of them as beasts only capable of inciting countless nasal allergies and carpet pee stains. But then many of our employees convinced us what a refreshing experience it is to have a matching mani-pedi session with your furry friend.
We were truly moved by this open dialogue. We decided not only to hire +25% more pet owners but also to reward with 5 additional paid vacation days our pet owning employees. However, they will also need to allow our R&D department to conduct fertilizer testing on their pets.
Educational Background
In the old days pesticides were flying off the shelves like warm loafs of bread but now the environmentally conscious farmers require a bit more persuasion. Our company needs marketing executives with the proper skillset and outside of the box thinking. And we could think of a better candidate for this assignment other than former circus performers and carnival barkers.
A couple of tightrope acrobats, maybe three snake oil salesmen and a human cannonball. Can you imagine a more skilled marketing team? Neither do we. And, of course, any candidates with previous experience as animal tamers will be very welcome to our pet testing project as well.
Soft Skills
Studies have shown that sousaphone players are 21% more cooperative and have 52% larger lips. Thus, we decided to organize a 6-month obligatory Valved Brass Instrument Diversity Training in order to improve morale, cooperativeness and the average lip size of our employees.
Note: I am also looking for a Sousa-player for my Brass Death Metal band “W.H.O.R.E.M.O.N.G.E.R.”. Send me an e-mail, if interested!
We wish all of you to support our initiative and to celebrate diversity with us.
Lastly, regarding the Senior Industrial Chemist vacancy: if you happen to know a bald, left-handed, tiger-owning, sousaphone-playing ventriloquist, please share their CV with HR. Unfortunately, none of the existing 175 applicants fulfills our diversity criteria.
Diverse Regards,
Jason Thompson
CEO of Pesticides Fertilizers and Beyond Inc
