HUMOR
An Open Letter from a Forlorn ‘No’ to Its Movie Star Lover
I even popped into The Ritz and dropped a discrete Flintstone into the conversation but was met with a blank stare from the Pikachu-catching receptionist
Dearest Julia,
This letter is a yearning to get back together. Allow me to reintroduce myself so we can rekindle our romance.
I am No, your single syllable, two-letter word. From the last time you saw me, I went and got myself a degree. I am now qualified to be a complete sentence.
I live in Nothing Hill and you live in Beverly Hills. No matter what we call you — Pretty Woman, Erin Brockovich — everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name.
Just the other day, she called me Okay! I mean I know that phrase is doing well with Chad on SNL but I am happy with what I’ve made for myself here. She knows my history with actors and their look-alikes, yet for her to bring it up is…sorry, I digressed there. Spare me a paragraph spacing to regroup myself.
All right, now, remember the first time we met? It was serendipity when you first shrieked my name at your mother who wanted to feed you carrots. ‘No!’ You shook your head and smeared carrot goo onto her face with your stubby little finger. Everything changed at that moment. I was hit by a thunderbolt. I was Corleone and you were my Apollonia.
Wait, didn’t she die in a bomb blast?
Whoopsidaisies, strike that.
I imprinted on you. There, better. I was Jacob and you were my Renesmee. Or something less pedo.
I was your partner in crime when you lied to your mother. ‘No, Ma, I don’t know where your Mills and Boon novel is,’ you said when you had it stashed between your math textbook. She kept muttering where her lusty sheik was all week.
But, like all romantic heroes, I too turned out to be a daft prick when I couldn’t stop that studio executive who repeatedly made a pass at you.
‘No!’ you warned him.
Taking my cue, I asked him to back off. But, he failed to recognize me. Instead, he mistook me for Yes. Why he’d think that, beats me. I mean, we couldn’t look more different if I were a double negative.
‘I hear you loud and clear,’ he said and reached to kiss you anyway.
That was the unraveling of our relationship. You blamed me for the executive’s advances. You called me an imposter. You said that I deceived you by pretending to be No when I was nothing but an evil Yes.
Between my mother calling me Okay and you accusing me to be Yes, I realize I needed to take corrective actions. I’ve now legally changed my name to ‘NoFuckingWay!’, exclamation mark included.
You may not trust me anymore but, please, at least don’t sever your ties with our dear friends Nope and Nah. Ever since our break-up, my little nephew, Nuh-uh has been the most upset. He keeps asking when you’ll be back and I put on a smile for him so he cannot see the pain caused by your void in my life.
While I am plucking petals off the rose here with she loves me, she loves me not, I see you cozying up to Mm-hmm. But, know this, he is vanilla. You need someone more than that, someone like me, a Hell No.
I know I am in your thought bubble but I want to be on your lips. I am pining for that intimacy. I want to feel the tip of your tongue touching your alveolar ridge. Give it to me, girl, give it to me good.
Let me be your one-man army. I was always self-sufficient; I am now self-explanatory too. Live your life on your own terms while I stand guard on my two letters against trespassers, especially those eyeing your last slice of pizza.
I may have adopted a fancy name, but I am still your good old No and I am dying with each word I am away from you. My tough exterior is just a front. It isn’t really real, you know. Don’t forget, I am also just an element of speech, writing to a Homosapien, asking her to love it.
Yours Indefinitely,
NoFuckingWay!
