Satire

As The Presiding Judge, I Would Like To Thank The Mongol Jury For Acquitting Genghis Khan

“Just because a man crosses empire lines with his army doesn’t mean he can’t protect himself by mercilessly slaying the masses.”

Michael Sanky
Greener Pastures Magazine

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Image via Wikimedia Commons

Kenosha County Circuit Judge Bruce Schroeder thanked jurors for their work [in the Kyle Rittenhouse case]. ”I couldn’t have asked for a better jury to work with,” said Schroeder. “It’s truly been my pleasure … just in terms of your attentiveness and the cooperation that you gave to us.” — NBC News, 11/19/21

As has been stated, in the case of The Mongol Empire vs. His Greatness Genghis Khan, the defendant has been found not guilty. Members of the jury, the Empire thanks you for your service and for your loyalty.

I told you this case could last weeks, even months. But as this trial reaches its two-hour mark, I want to thank you for being a wonderful, submissive jury. I appreciated your punctuality, your attentiveness, and, most importantly, your fidelity. This was a difficult case to interpret as a jury, and it would appear this could’ve gone either way.

Frankly I couldn’t have asked for a better, nearly all-Mongol jury to work with, except for Juror #8. For his dissent, we will have him stoned by nightfall. It was out of line for him to state that the defendant murdered his family: Classic hearsay.

This case shows that our justice system works and gives certain people a fair shake of the law. When the Great Khans forged this empire, this is what they envisioned: a legal system that helps them justify their heinous actions. As a jury, the founders placed confidence in you, and by freeing one of their own, you have delivered.

You have represented the community well in this trial not only without bias, but also with blind allegiance. You are under no obligation to discuss any aspect of the case with anyone. No need to bring up how quickly you decided “not guilty” or how none of us took the prosecution seriously. If anyone reaches out to you with questions on the case, you are welcome to say as much or as little as you want, so long as it aligns with the values of the Mongol Empire. We wouldn’t want any of you to accompany Juror #8.

A reminder to everyone in this courtroom: As we move forward from this case, we must avoid acting like Genghis Khan murdered anyone. As the defense noted, just because a man crosses empire lines with his army doesn’t mean he can’t protect himself by mercilessly slaying the masses. Those murders were out of self-defense. Same with the rapes. This is what our legal system has determined. We know the legal system isn’t infallible, yet at the same time its decisions are binding.

Besides, we have proven that the impacted townspeople tried grabbing for weapons when the defendant beheaded them and their families. So maybe they weren’t so innocent after all. They should have used them better during our surprise attacks.

Now some of you in this courtroom may be unhappy with this verdict. That is your right. Just be aware that any outward expression of your discontent should be demonized. Sure, we established freedom of protest here as Genghis Khan violently protested the existence of countless tribes. But you have to remember: this system is not for you, so don’t expect to get these freedoms. And no, this is not a flaw in our justice system, it’s a feature.

This concludes the hearing. To the defense, your motion has been granted: The charges against the defendant on all counts are dismissed, and the prosecution will be executed. Your Greatness, you are free to go. Hope to see you at the pillage tomorrow. Court is adjourned.

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