Humor
Body After Baby
Your life will never be the same, LOL!
Hey girl!!! Congratulations on your BABY-TO-BE! Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl? It’s a surprise? That’s so fun! Just like this super fun baby shower! Yes, I’d love a drink!
You know what ELSE was a surprise when I had my first baby? Everything! Hahaha! Even in the womb, my sweetie pushed my belly button from an unassuming innie to a full-on outie. It was truly astounding how much treasure (dead skin, old sweat, dust, sand??) had been buried in there. Any more time inside, and it might have formed a pearl!
You’re planning to breastfeed? That’s SO wonderful. Breastfeeding is such an awe-inspiring time for mothers and babies to bond. Like, really strongly! Like, the baby’s little gums clamping on your tender areolas like heavy-duty binder clips! It’s so special. Even if you start bleeding, that little vampire won’t stop latching. But you won’t break that seal because you love baby so, so much. And because people will tell you formula is poison and you should be in jail.
Yes, breastfeeding IS supposed to help burn off that baby weight. But you’d be surprised what an astonishing, lasting difference having a parasite within you, even for ten short months, can make! My own midsection is still dimpled like focaccia dough, two years out. Just this morning, my daughter poked me where my abs used to be and lisped, “You’re squishy, Mommy!” I know — so cute!
Yes, it DID make my boobs bigger. I went from a C cup to a DD! Though it looks like an A from the side. Ludacris could try to fill these cups, but his mimosa would slosh all over the place! Lol! And the worst part is, if you don’t wear a real live bra, the sweat from carrying your thrashing toddler around all the time will collect and ferment! It’s a fromagerie down there! Unlicensed!
Right, the famous “BABY BRAIN!” Did you know that mothers’ brains shrink by as much as 8% during matrescence?! I feel every percentage point! Especially on days when that self-same toddler starts wailing like a fire truck at 5:45am! It’s adorable! I’m so tired. Yes, I’d love a refill!
THANKS! I brushed it out this morning and could have furnished a whole bird’s nest. It’s not postpartum hair loss anymore, it’s just the after-effects of wearing it in the same mom bun every day for three days because motherhood is too exhausting to shower. Lol, maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s PPD!
Of COURSE it’s all worth it! Every precious moment! Even the sudden, stunning realization that it’s all your baby’s fault! The sweet little brat has ruined you forever, and there’s no such thing as Parent Protective Services! If nobody wants the last of the champers I’ll totally drink it!
LOL! It just dawned on me that “body after baby” has a super dark ring to it! Amirite?!? Take that pink and blue chalk and draw an outline around me, ladies — I’m DONE.
