Humor
Born to Business with David Business, LinkedIn Warrior (№14)
What to Optimize Out of Your Life
Looking to become a corporate tycoon, but keep falling short? It’s probably because you haven’t optimized the following things out of your life.
#1. Free Time
Imagine the company you work for as a car and the customer as the driver. You, the employee, are a literal cog in the machine. In this case, let’s say you’re the radio. We fade in…
The customer gets in the car, revs the engine to life, reaches for the radio but… oh no, the radio is… on break?? WHAM! The customer returns the car to the dealership, and the owner needs to fire his son, all because you needed to what? Play racquetball with your sister whose in town from Conway?
We should all aspire to work at the productivity level of a machine. Because if you’re already working like a machine, a machine can’t take your job. And that's the truth.
#2. Being “Realistic”
Dreamers mainline imagination, and dreamers change the world. They also make ass loads of cash for investors. But you know what dreamers refuse to accept? Reality. They manifest new subscription-model cloud-based platforms for sales teams out of thin air. So when you say something like “I’m just trying to be realistic” you become the office version of an anti-aircraft gun; blowing billion-dollar ideas out of the sky. Instead, when confronted with the harsh realities of budget restrictions, or possible legal ramifications, close your eyes and think to yourself “what would Elon Musk do?” The answer is guaranteed scary, but is 100% the right call every single time .*
*unless it’s not.
#3. Non-Work People
If you’re not working you should be networking. As a former theater kid, I love the world of business, because everyone is a lead. But, if someone doesn’t offer you career advancement, career advice, or future revenue potential… why even bother? Save the fun and games for the ping pong table in the break room. Ever since I cut all non-work people out of my life, I’ve been able to fully invest in the grindset mindset. Sure, therapists have called it “unhealthy” but that’s why we invented the ability to block emails and calls. If there’s one thing cults got right (which when it comes to organizational tactics, is quite a bit) it’s that removing dead weight connections allows you to focus on the mission with unparalleled energy.
#4. Frowning
Laugh all you want, but adopting a Joker-level smile does wonders for your personal image. I was skeptical at first, but then I thought of it from the outside. Imagine a new co-worker who you never saw frown. Not even when they ran out of Clif Bars. You’d really respect that person, right? You’d want to spend time with them, try and draft on their happy fumes. Granted, I have yet to achieve a perfect smile game, but I do sleep with pen caps in my mouth to try and push my lips up. I also watch the first ten minutes of “Up” every night and try to keep a smile the whole time. It does feel like my mind is breaking, but that’s just the feeling of me busting through my cocoon to become the business butterfly I was meant to be.
#5. Garlic
Nothing ruins a first impression more than garlic breath. Trust me, I learned the hard way. The year was 2015, I was in New York to grease up some Wall Street fat cats for an app my friend invented called “BOOOP.” At the time, I was on an all garlic bread diet (a meal plan I was beta testing at the time), when I suddenly bumped into Richard Branson on the street. The force of our literal collision pushed a burp out of me that was rank with garlic. I saw him wince with displeasure and speedily dash away. Had I not eaten garlic, there’s a chance I could’ve pitched “BOOOP” to Branson. But instead, I repelled him with the stench of allium.
Plain and simple: If you eat garlic, stop it. You’re jeopardizing your career and it’s not worth it. And no, mints don’t help.
David Business is an aspiring CEO, self-accredited LinkedIn expert, and personal associate of writer Kenny Gray. You can connect with David on LinkedIn for even more innovative content.
