HUMOR
Brain: The Information You Have Requested Cannot Be Found
A short apology regarding your recent inquiry
Dear Christopher,
Your Mother’s birthday was two days ago. We apologize for not furnishing you with this information when it could have been useful to you. The Lie Department is currently working on crafting a very elaborate and vaguely plausible excuse for you to give her.
In addition, Oslo is the capital of Norway, not Helsinki. We were very certain of the info we gave you, and can only apologize for the resulting humiliation that it caused in front of everyone at work. To ensure this does not happen in the future, we have set an hourly replay of the event until further notice.
Lastly, we have received your recent request of “When am I picking up the kids from band practice?” We do have a short clip of your wife relaying this information to you, unfortunately the clip is without audio.
We have put all available neurons on this project, and have turned up the following: your uncle’s address from 2002, the name George M. Dallas (Vice president under James Polk), the lyrics to 14 Eartha Kitt songs, the dead possum you saw at summer camp in 1997, Longfellow’s The Village Blacksmith, something about belly button lint causing an infection (no medical facts were turned up, just enough info to make it a class 2 superstition), the publishing order of every Beatrix Potter book, the time you saw your grandmother in her underwear and did not immediately look away, the name and face of that guy at the winery who was vaguely condescending to you, info about your wife’s cousin’s divorce, the time your teacher criticized you for the way you used General Nathaniel Greene’s name in a 5th grade art project, an elaborate method for telling Fran Tarkenton and Booth Tarkington apart, a map of the back streets of Auburn, NY, and every word for penis in the Yiddish language.
Alas, I am afraid that we were unable to locate when you were supposed to pick up the children who should be foremost in your mind. It is our recommendation that you call your wife and confess your inability to hang on to vital information. The Lie Department has declined to get involved in this matter.
Ever at Your Service,
Your Brain
P.S. In an effort to make this right, we have taken the liberty of placing a 1992 Cabbage Patch Kids commercial onto the endless loop with the Helsinki Affair. Please, no thanks are necessary.
