Humor

Candy Corporations Replace Sugar with Beneficial Addictive’s and Toxins

We’re surprised you seem to care what’s in your candy

Written by Kegan Witzki, Illustrated by Cassie Soliday

Dear Customers,

We hear your complaints on how our sugary products may be addictive, and we’ve been working on secret projects to replace sugar with other ingredients, though we’re surprised you now suddenly seem to care about what’s in your candy. Below are future products scheduled for immediate release that will not only reduce the amount of added sugars, but may even be beneficial.

Pumpkin Crack Rocks

“Halloween’s Perfect Scratch”

Illustrations by Cassie Soliday

Bring your full focus back with Pumpkin Crack Pop Rocks, which lasts a solid 10 minutes until you replenish. A full package is guaranteed to make you feel like parasites are under your skin!

Eddie Ecstasy’s Christmas Candy Canes

“Santa’s Feel-Good Trip”