Cathartic Curses for Everyone Who Annoys You on Monday Morning
Vengeance shall be yours!!
The person: The new roommate who drank all the milk. He knows you can’t function until you’ve had coffee, and that you can’t drink coffee without milk! It was literally the first thing you told him when you moved in, right after you told him that you were going through a breakup and he should just ignore any sobbing coming from your room.
The curse: May the milk he adds to his next hot beverage be rancid and vile! And may he not realise this until after he has added it to his coffee.
*
The person: The guy who didn’t move aside when walking directly at you on the sidewalk. At 7:15 a.m., you are not in the mood for a game of “Sidewalk Chicken.” But try telling that to the guy in the business suit who tried to walk right through you just now!
The curse: May his future walks become an unending series of body checks! May his life be one long game of “Human Pinball!”
*
The person: That sweaty dude who took up too much space on the bus. Nothing like having a stranger’s hot thigh mashed up against yours for the 17 minutes it takes to get to your stop. The worst part: that was the most action you’ve gotten since the day Jeremy told you he wanted to see other people.
The curse: May your manspreading seatmate be forever trapped with his nose in a fellow commuter’s stinky armpit on public transportation! May he die alone and unloved!
*
The person: The customer in front of you at Starbucks (“Janet,” apparently) who took the last Bacon, Gouda, & Egg Sandwich. That was your regular breakfast bite, goddammit! That was the only thing worth eating at Starbucks!! NOW how are you supposed to get through the morning meeting without your stomach growling?! But thanks to the barista policy of asking for every customer’s name, you know exactly who to blame: fucking Janet.
The curse: May Janet be forever trapped in a Sisyphean hell where she wanders from Starbucks to Starbucks but none of them have her favorite treats in stock!! May a B.G.E. never pass her lips again!!!!
*
The person: That woman who didn’t thank you for holding the door open for her. Wow. Not only did fucking Janet steal your breakfast treat, but now some woman in a trench coat blew right by you while you were holding the Starbucks door open for her without uttering a word. She didn’t even glance at you when you said “You’re welcome” just loudly enough for a passerby to hear it. What kind of person behaves like that?!!
The curse: When the day finally comes that she finds herself sitting on a public toilet with no toilet paper in sight, may nobody come to her aid! May she be forced to hobble awkwardly out of the stall in a fruitless quest for wiping material, and may her cheeks burn with shame when she does not find it!
*
The person: That lady who bumped into you when she was getting off the elevator. You know she did it on purpose.
The curse: May she join “Sidewalk Chicken Man” in whatever circle of hell is set aside specifically for inconsiderate assholes who think they can just shove people aside! May she be elbowed in the boob by passersby for all eternity!!
*
The person: That coworker who never gets your name right. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been working at the same company for three years now! Why can she never get your name right?! How would she like it if you started calling her “Kirsty” instead of “Christina?” You should pretend to forget her name altogether, just like you’re desperately trying to forget Jeremy’s name and all the pain he caused you!!
The curse: May Kirsty/Christina wander nameless through this life and the next!!! May she be forever known only as “That Girl With the Asymmetrical Face” or “That Girl With the Weird Hair!!!” May she —
…Wait. You finished the milk last night when you made yourself hot chocolate to recover from ugly-crying all evening.
Well, shit. Now you feel like a bit of an asshole.
