Satire
Chauvin’s Defense Lawyer Explains Famous Murders Throughout History
President Kennedy had high levels of meth in his system.
John F. Kennedy; Shot by Lee Harvey Oswald During a Motorcade — President Kennedy suffered from Addison’s disease and had a drug dealer named Dr. Feelgood who regularly administered him methamphetamine. It was clearly Kennedy’s compromised health combined with high levels of meth in his system, and not the bullets to his brain, that killed him that day in Dallas.
Jesus; Crucified by Roman Officials — Crucifixion was a legitimate use of force under the circumstances. Jesus turned water into wine and claimed he could walk on water. This can only be seen as the actions of a drug pusher with serious psychological problems.
Julius Caesar; Killed by a Conspiracy of Sixty Senators — If Caesar had enough blood pumping through his veins that he could speak the words “Et tu, Brute?” there’s no way he could have died by being stabbed twenty-three times.
Abraham Lincoln; Shot by John Wilkes Booth At Ford’s Theater — President Lincoln had Marfan syndrome which can cause heart and cardiovascular problems. It is likely Lincoln suffered a cardiac arrhythmia due to excitement from the theater performance.
