Humor
Chip, from “Chip’s Challenge,” Isn’t Ready to Raise Your Daughters
But Maybe I Am?
I get why you’d want to marry my brother, Sally. Chip is an impressive guy: he can escape increasingly complex mazes, is a regular MacGyver under pressure, and has impressively proven to countless lovers that his “micro-soft is a major grower” (his words, not mine). But does that make him qualified to be a father to your daughters? It may serve you better to be with someone a bit more… average.
Sure, he’s evaded oversized ants, dodged lightning speed fireballs, and narrowly escaped the jaws of a mutant houseplant, but childrearing is an entirely different breed of a challenge. For instance, your daughters are, what, two now? They’ll probably want to take swim lessons. Did you know that my brother is a weak swimmer? Seriously, Chip needs flippers just to navigate a tiny little narrow channel. And if he doesn’t have his flippers, he gets frustrated and goes all L.A. River on it and fills it in with concrete. He’s not an urbanist, he just can’t swim. Is this who you want taking your sweet angel munchkins into the deep end, or do you want someone who was once a lifeguard for two straight summers at their local retirement home?
You’d also be wife number three, and that’s because Chip struggles hardcore with marital fidelity. Honestly, it’s a maturity thing — the man’s pushing forty-five and still laughs at modern clips of Family Guy and the word “JezzBall.” Some guys never grow up, and you don’t want that kind of outdated staleness around your children. On the other hand, you could be with a certain unmarried normie that listens to BBC and NPR once a week and regurgitates all the facts they heard as if it were their own at dinner and family parties.
I can empathize how dating is hard, Sally, not to mention as a single parent, but you’ve got a lot going for you: you’re gorgeous, smart, and have been taking care of yourself and your better-than-Disney princesses without needing a man. And don’t get me wrong, I love my brother. Chip’s a great guy who’s always helpful when we go to an, Escape Room. But what about when he takes your daughters to an aggressively large bonfire and he only brings one pair of fire boots, and when he takes off frolicking on the flames they follow him in … like his last stepdaughters? They could instead have a mildly out-of-shape, middle-aged father figure who calls them “champ” and “bucko” while on the sidelines at softball games.
Look, Sally, I’m not trying to be a homewrecker… in fact, the only person I know who can wreck a home is Chip. But if you marry my little brother, it’ll all fall on you, because he’ll be out navigating mazes. Or cheating. Ask his exes. It was like several times a month. If you change your mind, I’ll be here in our mom’s basement fixing the router so I can re-watch Field of Dreams.
