College Football Lives Matter
A Proposal to Pass Gun Laws (But Only During Game Times)
Dear State Legislators,
We at “College Football Lives Matter” — a bipartisan group of diverse ages, genders, and religious backgrounds — believe there is one thing more sacred to protect over ever other cultural issue combined: College Football. That’s why we want to help you do everything possible to ensure that we overly-obsessed alumni and patrons can watch these adolescents bash each other’s brains in and receive deadly sport-related concussions (or CMT) before they can legally drink.
While our current government is in a constant “will they/won’t they” struggle with passing guncontrol laws, we’ve concluded that the simplest proposal is to enforce gun control laws now… but only in stadiums during game time. Outside of that, it’s open season. And this will only apply for Division 1 colleges because everyone else after that is just a joke. If they want a shot in the safe zone, they’ll have to fight it out Purge-style in the arena — which means more entertainment for us while we judge them like Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator. To ensure the complete safety of the athletes, they can have their bedrooms, classes, and social interactions all inside the workout facilities and stadiums — it’ll be a perfect Truman Show-like paradise.
Sure, massive shootings at nightclubs, movie theaters, churches, and elementary schools are “serious,” but violence that disrupts college football’s regularly-programed schedule is a whole new level of terror. If games are cancelled, what are we supposed to do on our weekend afternoons and holidays… spend time with our families!? Most of us know the names of our schools starting rosters over our children!
Look, all we want is to escape our mundane lives and drink sewage-flavored Bud Light while screaming at little boys who look like 30-year-old muscular gods over a flat-screen TV to break each other’s bones, even if they’re only doing this to pay for their college education. We as a committee are even fine with leaving out the cheerleaders — it’s gotten weird to gawk at them ever since they added in more guys and twerkers.
If you think it’s more important to worry about the lives of innocent civilians, then our fist-sized school mascot tattoos will become sad reminders of why we stopped watching juvenile games funded by sponsors for school’s who hoard money that could help pay for better education.
Please consider introducing this proposal to Congress in your next session. If not, we may throw an all-out temper-tantrum when we’re back on the jumbo tron.
Sincerely,
College Football Lives Matter
