Humor
Come On In, The Water’s So Cold I No Longer Care About Anything
If you only like to swim in comfortable temperatures, you’re missing out.
Ah, this is the life! Here I am, a high-ranking employee at an objectively destructive corporation, just floating around in the ocean without a worry in the world. It’s a beautiful April day off the shore of my Maine coastal bungalow, the winds are only 27 miles per hour and if I lean back and close my eyes, it almost feels like a day at the regular beach.
Hey you there, on the shore! Come on in! The water’s so cold I no longer have any feelings at all! It’s the dream.
Now that I’ve said it out loud, maybe that sounds like a weird way to get someone to go swimming. So let me explain myself while maintaining perfect stillness and dunking my head under when I get too comfortable.
Like most people, I learn tremendous amounts about human skin when I go on vacation. You know, from doing normal vacation things, like pinching strangers when they aren’t looking, or holding your hand over a candle flame for a full hour without moving. Much like my lawyer, the human skin loves drugs. And cold water, it’s like one specific aspect of heroin, in that your skin just is conked out the whole time. And there’s probably a whole bunch of health benefits. You know how every person who’s ever told you they like to do the Polar Bear Plunge is always super buff, right? Natural selection. The ocean hates uglies. You know what it does respect though? Civility. You never see anyone get sued for discrimination while doing the dog paddle, do you?
Some people only like to swim in warm water, but let me tell you, that’s cutting yourself off from a lot of great experiences. If I had to guess, I’d say at least 90% of the bodies of water on the planet are cold. Yeah, you’ve got hot springs and most of Florida and the New York City sewage system, but you’re more likely to find a cold spot to swim than a warm one.
And I’m saying that even WITH climate change, because I’ve seen The Day After Tomorrow and I know humanity’s destruction of the Earth doesn’t move in a straight line. But the thing is: I don’t care! Because right now, every nerve ending in my body is taking a well-deserved nap. If I can’t feel a greenfly bite, you can be damn sure I won’t feel the collapse of our global ecosystem!
God, it’s so cold.
There’s obviously different ways to adjust yourself to the water. You could go classic groin-nips-ears in phases. You could pencil dive. You could hover and dunk. Me, I like to pregame: ice cubes strapped to my hands and feet for an hour while I watch scenes from all of my favorite Haneke films. When I can wear a wire into a board meeting without flinching, it’s time to take a dip.
Ahhh! The sheer ecstasy that comes from losing all sensation. I’d tell you to pinch me, but it wouldn’t make a difference. Go ahead, show me how much mercury I’ve consumed today. Bulldoze my house and turn it into condos. Bury me in a trash island! Right here! In front of my beach house! At me! Ha ha! Not sure if I’m kidding!
Whatever you do, it won’t matter in the slightest. I just can’t recommend a float in the freeze enough. When you’re out here, words like “insider trading” and “extrajudicial killings” don’t seem to matter that much.
Uh, forget I said that.
Every now and then, you think you might be ready to go back in. One step towards the shore will change your mind though. You’ll get the shivers. No shivers down here in the water though. Here there’s only the calming death of feeling in all extremities. Who needs them? I always thought limbless vertebrates had more fun anyway.
True enlightenment comes when you realize you no longer have a place with the warm-fleshed. You are now a blue-lipped creature of apathy, free to dwell outside of pleasure and pain. Come, float with me. We shall drift together away from our responsibilities, until Father Ocean mercifully returns us to our pre-mammalian state. Feel your hair and cardiovascular system and unnecessary brain matter slough off to reveal the beauty of your fishform. Let’s see them try to arrest an electric eel! Bzz bzz!
Wait a minute: that’s not me buzzing. That’s my phone! I nearly forgot my 2:00 PM call!
Looks like I’ll have to stagger back to the ignorant world of land for now. But maybe if things go well I can get back to a state of complete numbness by 4:00. And one day, when I’m really good, I might not need the ocean at all.
