Humor
Completely Reasonable Instructions Heard at Your Most Recent Visit to the Dental Hygienist
Taking Care of Your Teeth in Under 16 Hours Per Day
Congratulations! You’re doing a fabulous job with your dental health routine! There are only a few dozen habits and care techniques left to work on before you’re a worthwhile person and might finally earn your mother’s approval.
First, elevate your brush to a 47.5 degree angle from the elliptical at dawn. Then, use abrushing rpm between Dale Earnhardt, Jr.’s, car and a drunken hummingbird’s wings or the plaque orc army will build a second Great Wall along your gum line. As always, the brushing pressure must remain gentle enough that you can’t actually tell if the bristles are touching your teeth.
If you slightly dislocate your jaw each morning, you’ll be able to better reach the candy factories manufacturing pain near the wisdom teeth we’ve threatened to remove every year since the invention of Novocaine. With some practice, your jaw will easily pop back into place. Probably try this at the hospital the first time, or just get the Rock to hit you.
I see that you didn’t check the box for wanting a whiter smile or the box for the rite of confession — oral care version. We strongly encourage patients to embrace both.
You really must start flossing with a 12-gauge carbon fiber fishing line woven into a Celtic knot. Your fingers should make it vibrate between each tooth pair at the same rate as fundamental matter in the superstring theory of the universe.
Please breathe only through your nose during this visit (ideally the left nostril) as the passage of air through your mouth will disturb the spirits of Tooth Fairies past, present, and future. They’ve been known to to take mouthbreathers and dental technicians forward in time until our teeth are all that is left by which to identify us. Also, you have bad breath and I will stab you.
Now I’m going to pierce your gums at the base of every single tooth, front and back, with the stinger from an artificially-enhanced wasp. This is merely a standard test for gingivitis and decay. With each lancing I’ll shout out a number to the disembodied helper behind you, an aide you couldn’t see even if you weren’t afraid to flex as little as a single muscle under your left eye. The recorder won’t be introduced because they have neither a name, nor a soul, nor a body that reflects light.
During this simple test, when you hear me yell a one, it means that your teeth are approaching enlightenment. A two or three will reduce the rent on your San Francisco apartment by fifty percent. A four indicates that you’ll be visiting us for treatment twice weekly for the next eighteen years. A five or higher suggests that the IRS will audit your taxes as your bones flake away and your soul wends down through the levels of Dante’s Inferno.
I’m going to polish up your teeth now. What flavor would you like? We have decaying brussel sprouts, chemical treatment facility, failed Willy Wonka experiment, and mint.
Thanks for coming in for your cleaning! Be sure to come back in precisely six months for your next visit! Our next available appointment is three years from July. Please be aware that our one remaining dentist will be retiring at the end of this year.
