Humor

Cord Cutting Guide to Murdering Your Climbing Partner

To Xfinity, and just over that boulder

Photo by Tommy Lisbin on Unsplash

Cable costs have gotten completely out of hand. As a budget-conscious climber, there’s never been a better time to cut the cord of your climbing partner and free yourself from their costly tether.

However, getting away with murder is tricky these days. Best to make it look like an accident.

Here are a few ways to cut the cord of your climbing partner (and not get caught).

1. Bring much more cable than is necessary for your climb. Explain to them that the extra cables are for an improved climbing experience. Do your best to climb erratically, ensuring the cables get twisted. As your partner grows frustrated, yell down for them to cut the cable that’s wrapped around their leg. Do not tell them that the other cables are unnecessary add-ons. As they fall to their death, explain how they are now free to explore other cable options.
2. Introduce additional charges throughout the climbing experience. Take your climbing partner to an extremely dangerous route, and then, midway through, say that with rising inflation, you can no longer afford to offer the same belaying experience as they had before. They will look at you dumbfounded. Tell them that for a mere 5$ per minute, you will continue to support their ascent. If they are unable to pay, begin removing climbing services. It’s not your fault they didn’t bring their wallet. Times are tough at Climbcast.
3. Head to the climbing route the day before and remove some of the most popular footholds by filling in the cracks with putty. Offer to let your climbing partner go first while you wait at the bottom. When they complain that the route has changed, explain that you have claimed copyright on several of the premium holds and that they will not be available going forward.
4. Bring your climbing partner’s parents with you, but replace your climbing partner’s ropes with frayed cords. When the parents offer to share their cables with you, insist that that is against climbing policy.
5. Strategically place audio devices throughout the climbing route that blare sounds at ungodly levels. When your partner goes to make the jump at half dome’s infamous Boulder Problem, ensure that a pharmaceutical ad is triggered right when they leave their feet. The built-in ads are necessary to support the rock climbing creators.
6. Invite your partner to an incredible new cliff face you’ve found. Explain that there are over 700 paths up the rock face. Their look will be priceless when they discover over half of those are completely useless. When they ask you which path will get them to the top, explain that the only way down is to try them all one by one. Fatigue will take care of the rest.
7. Take your partner on a cable-free climb by explaining that T-mobile has installed 5G towers along the Grand Tetons. When they complain there is nothing to clip into, encourage them to use their phone to connect to the climbing network.

Convince them to follow you by going halfway up and saying you’ve connected to Starlink, but really you’ve just used clear nylon tethers to secure yourself. Allow yourself to crash into them, knocking them off the mountain.

Cable providers have really backed climbers into a corner with their rising costs. Once you’ve freed yourself from the added expenditures of a climbing partner, you now have to live with having become a murderer, which is still better than being a cable company.