Humor
Count Dracula’s Latest Edit on His Craigslist Roommate Ad
Hopefully it’s a suck-cess
Two-bedroom apartment with one bathroom, a common room, and a s̶l̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶o̶o̶m̶ kitchen.
Rent: $400/month, plus the security deposit of one unlovable friend or family member (ex. a creepy uncle or that friend who brags about how they make their own Kombucha).
Suitable for those who prefer quiet and complete darkness during the day, and prolonged late-night, soul-sucking chats about Christopher Nolan’s filmography.
Open bedroom, furnished with twin bed, dresser, closet, and huge window that oversees a townhouse previously owned by my childhood love 4̶0̶0̶ 4 years ago. Will occasionally check-in while you sleep as I breathe down your neck. Must be okay with giving me periodic pep talks when I come home “sad drunk” and feel extremely lonely after having too much b̶l̶o̶o̶d̶ booze.
Walls have Gothic-Victorian wallpaper, and you can always join me to watch my favorite comedy show, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Shades will always be drawn in common rooms –sunlight makes me spontaneously combust… not in the way you’re thinking, pervert.
Kitchen is all yours, as is the bottom half of refrigerator. Ignore top shelves with bags of blood. ABSOLUTELY NO GARLIC. I’m severely allergic and will die (like peanut-allergy die… it’s ugly).
Pets: Technically not allowed, but I have a Scandinavian bat (vaccinated), so I won’t tell if you want to bring a pet… especially if it has a lot of juicy fat.
Guests are welcome, but I must be informed beforehand, along with their medical history. I’ll frequently have over female guests — please disregard if they’re in a trance or if you notice two small puncture wounds on their neck… hey, everyone’s got a kink.
Please respond here to schedule a tour (available around 9 PM — 4 AM).
Before looking inside, you must sign a non-disclosure agreement in blood, stating that failure to meet any of these house rules may result with payment through an ounce of blood and an invitation inside the house of an upcoming frat party. All blood types are accepted.
Cannot wait to e̶a̶t̶ meet you,
Vlad
(Last edited: yesterday)
