Humor

Dating Profiles of Shakespeare’s Most Eligible Bachelors

Introducing Folio, the dating app for folks who prefer blank verse to blank stares

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Hinge have you feeling unhinged? Tinder make you want to burn the modern dating scene to the ground? Then check out Folio, our new app featuring bachelors with timeless appeal. We’ve spotlighted a few of our most prominent suitors just for you.

Mercutio

I’m one of Romeo’s rollicking buddies, and I’m known for my quick wit. My twinkling eyes will invite you into a parade of puns, making you wonder if our date was some kind of lucid dream with grubs and elflocks and sluttish hairs or something. Unfortunately I think dreams are total horseshit, so be prepared for me to neg you so blithely that you will start to wonder if you actually are Queen Mab and not, in fact, a 32 year-old software developer stockpiling Cheez-its in her pantry.

Puck

Want to go people watching? Then I’m the guy for you! While I’m on the shorter side, I more than make up for my stature with droll observations of passersby. You’ll love the bouquet I pick for you, even though I later tear it to shreds to make a poultice. If I start sneaking around the kitchen at night or tracking your roommate’s movements, try…