Humor
Dear Abby: What if My Inner Child is a Little Asshole?
I accept that I’m responsible for my actions, but am I also responsible for Little Asshole’s actions?
DEAR ABBY:
Last night my husband “forgot” to wash the dishes. Normally I would bite my tongue and wash the dishes for him, but this time I confronted him. One minute I’m listening to his excuses, next minute dishes are hurled at his face while an enraged child’s voice screams, “You’re not my real dad!”
My life coach said this is my inner child emerging, that expressing anger is a normal phase of healing from the trauma of my parents’ divorce. However, I worry that my inner child is a little bit of an asshole. My husband is shaken and says he never wants to see my Little Asshole again. He also wants an apology. I accept that I’m responsible for my actions, but am I also responsible for Little Asshole’s actions? Little Asshole said since my husband started it, I shouldn’t have to say sorry. What should I do?
— Considering Her Little Asshole
DEAR LITTLE ASSHOLE:
You are responsible for yours and Little Asshole’s actions because you are one in the same person. Apologize to your husband. Also, consider anger management therapy and trust that in time, you won’t need Little Asshole to fight your battles.
Re: DEAR ABBY:
Little Asshole here. I heard what you said about me, and I hate you. You’re not my mom! Shut up!
DEAR ABBY:
My relationship with my son has been incredibly rewarding, until recently. He turned three last month and I’m concerned that I’m losing my shit, literally. You see, my son’s going through a tantrum phase and he purposely went “number 2” in my shoe after I confiscated his iPad.
Something snapped inside of me. I felt compelled to “number 2” in his shoe, but toddler shoes are rather small, so I went on his iPad instead. Next thing I know, my wife is kneeling on the floor consoling us both. My wife says I’m a big kid at heart, but I never thought my inner kid would be such a turd. What can I do to prevent this from happening again? — Big Poo, Small Shoe
DEAR BIG POO:
Parenting young children is difficult but remember, you set the example for your son. Stress management may be attained via meditation or talking with a counselor. I suggest you try both.
Re: DEAR ABBY:
This is Big Poo. I think you’re a mean old witch and you poop out of your mouth!
DEAR ABBY:
On the eve of my sixth birthday, the man who I thought was my father rushed into my bedroom shrieking, “You’re the spawn of Satan!” He wielded a knife at my face and my mother tried to fight it out of his hands. During the struggle, the man who I thought was my father stabbed my mother. What I remember next is being covered in blood. Yes, I killed the man who I believed was my father with my telekinetic powers.
I’ve spent the past twelve years under the care of the Serenity Hills Asylum and tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday. I will be released, free to live a normal life, whatever normal is. I’m afraid that my real father, Satan, will try to find me. I’m also afraid that He won’t try to find me. I’m most afraid of what I’ll do once I’m out of the asylum because everyone says I am evil incarnate. What if I give into my dark powers again? — Spawn of Satan
DEAR SPAWN:
You must forgive yourself. Yes, you killed a man with your mind, but your life was at risk! Not many know this, but I’m a committed follower of Satan, or as you know Him, dad. I believe He would be incredibly proud of your murderous instincts. In fact, I know He is because I chanted your letter during our Spring Equinox sacrifice and tears of blood ran down His cheek. Embrace your authentic self! Join us!
Re: DEAR ABBY:
Bless you, you darling woman! I feel completely at ease now that I’ve reunited with my dad! Hail Satan!
