Dear College, I’d Actually Like a Donation from You
Dear Treasurer Williams:
I hope everyone at our great college had a wonderful summer. I appreciated getting the school’s recent letter describing what’s happening on campus, listing all the exciting new initiatives, and asking me for a donation. I would like to do the same.
It’s been an amazing two years since I graduated, and I often think about my college experience, especially the fortune I paid in tuition. After graduating, I scrambled to get an unpaid internship when it became clear no one would give me a salary. I’ve since gone on to bigger and better things, including my first job as an assistant to an budding Instagram star, and shortly after that moving out of my friend Jeff’s living room and into another friend’s larger living room. Lately, I’ve been engaged in some cutting-edge research on how to get rich from crypto.
I’m committed to continuing this remarkable progress in a way that will make you even more proud of our connection. I’m launching a range of exciting initiatives over the next months, including buying a bedside table and a pair of used roller skates, and sometime in the next year hope to transition from a diet of frozen dinners and fast food to occasionally buying organic ingredients to cook at home. But these vital endeavors will require funds, which is why I’m reaching out. As noted in your fundraising solicitation, our relationship is based on giving back. I wholly agree, and ask that with respect to the enormous sums I paid in tuition, please give some back.
I make this request with great appreciation for our past and future journey together. This ambitious Giving Back 2024 initiative is focused on enhancing the ex-student experience in a way that will greatly benefit me. For your consideration, I have several tiers of donations with associated recognition.
- Would you consider being a Capital Benefactor with a donation of $5,000? At this level, I will mention you in an all-caps message in the group text with my high school buddies.
- Alternatively, a donation of $2,500 can establish you as a Gold Level Supporter, which I’ll mark with a loud toast with Jameson Gold at the next happy hour at Finnegan’s Irish Pub.
- I am also open to monthly donations, and invite you to consider a level of $100/month, which will establish you (in place of my parents) as a Network Benefactor, and enable me to pay my phone bill.
Regardless of the tier you choose, please consider that funds I receive will go directly to programs that directly improve my life, including take-out Thai food.
I look forward to an exciting future, where we work together in a culture of giving to help me succeed, or at least have some fun. Through your help in removing these financial barriers, I can expand into new ventures such as joining other alumni at Greg Hoffman’s bachelor party in Vegas. Empowered by your support, I will proudly stroll the Strip wearing a new school t-shirt!
Thank you in advance, on behalf of myself and everyone I owe money.
