Humor

Dorian Gray’s Problem With The Age-Defying Paul Rudd

Color me, “not impressed.”

Tara Jean O'Brien
Greener Pastures Magazine
3 min readMay 12, 2023

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Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash

I, for one, am certainly not jealous of Paul Rudd’s anti-aging prowess. Until Paul Rudd’s secrets are uncovered, (and you know it will be something involving absorbing the souls of Rihanna’s children or sucking the life force from dolphins) I’m left with no choice but to elaborate further on why we must stop dropping our panties for this absolute charlatan, Paul Rudd.

As someone who basically invented aesthetic beauty and pleasure, I can’t understand why we’ve all collectively agreed to lose our shit over an actor who portrays a goddamn ant. He is a grown man gaily dressing as an INSECT. Though it is hard to deny that the casting wasn’t sound. An ant is a bottom feeder forever associated with the atonal voice of renowned spouse-chooser, Woody Allen.

The level of how foppishly charming Paul Rudd was in I Love You, Man is no different than how foppishly charming he was in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. This ability to create ceaseless joy makes no sense unless his face is just a sophisticated AI program. I believe the program’s sole purpose is to make people mull over what flower arrangements they’d have a flower girl hold on their wedding day to Paul Rudd. I find that’s all I can do whenever I see his face and I am quite sick of…

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Tara Jean O'Brien
Greener Pastures Magazine

Actor, Writer, Comedian, Podcaster, Enough Already. My first book, TIPS FOR YOUR LAST YEAR ON EARTH, avail on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or your local bookstore!