Humor
Fashion Yourself a British Sense of Superiority to Offset Poor Work Performance
At the onset of each workday, sigh Britishly.
You get wind that coworkers experience you as both standoffish and unproductive. Fortunately, as a lover of BBC period dramas, you instinctively know these qualities are actually celebrated in a particular segment of the population.
So, to offset accusations of poor performance, you do the obvious thing — adopt a British persona. Specifically of the aristocracy.
Begin this endeavor by procuring a wardrobe consisting entirely of tweed.
And at the onset of each workday, sigh Britishly.
Don’t forget to fashion a monocle beneath your left eye to execute an affronted countenance for when coworkers inevitably inquire on those overdue invoices. How wee they appear through the monocle lens! What ants! What peasants!
And when that intolerable bugger of a Team Lead begs for your assistance on a time-sensitive project, convey your regrets by performing the death by poison scene from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.
Frame and display “Per My Last Email” prominently at your desk. Tap it with your 18th century teakwood pipe whenever a coworker repeats some inane question which you did not reply to in the first place. (How absolutely droll of you, you old scamp!)
Remember to imbibe tea constantly so that in lieu of completing a modicum of work, you have a legitimate reason to spend the majority of the workday in the loo. Don’t forget to explain to your plebeian coworkers the word “loo” is Queen’s English for what is known in their bastardized American tongue as “toilet.”
Observe casual Fridays by donning riding boots and jodhpurs. When coworkers impolitely exclaim “You’re not British! I know for a fact you’ve never stepped foot outside of the United States!”, lightheartedly horse whip their fannies. As their tears shed, splash a pint of ale in their faces and bellow “Stiff upper lip!”
Create the illusion of taking minutes at the staff meeting by converting US dollars into British currency by hand. Then contemplate how the Hero’s Journey in Greek mythology requisites a phase of trials and tribulations, so engaging in temporary employment for £16 per hour is absolutely necessary, for the Gods.
When your “superior” [cue reflexive snicker] formally reprimands you for continued bottom of the barrel performance, remind yourself a life of leisure is thy true destiny.
Purchase a canister of beeswax, as twirling the ends of your imaginary mustache is best for communicating utter confoundment when asked what food you will contribute to the departmental potluck.
At luncheon, rather than chatter with these daft chaps, turn off the desk lamp, light a candle with your profile engraved upon it, unveil your antique typewriter, and get lost in narrating the next section of your stream of consciousness memoir.
Gaze longingly at your pocket watch while your “superior” recites a Great Expectations-sized stack of grievances filed against you since yesterday.
After receiving yet another bloody email, pen the response in cursive and inter-office mail to the dedicated administrative associate. Instruct them to email the response on your behalf, posthaste!
Upon receiving a garishly written Termination Notice, remember to be generous with feedback. With a red ink quill, utilize the page-footer to elucidate the benefits of the Oxford comma.
Savor the last sip of your imported London Lady Grey tea before hurling the empty Edwardian era rose pattern bone china cup against your former supervisor’s office door.
Immediately apologize for the emotional display. However, considering the circumstances, you shan’t be expected to restrain yourself!
Saunter to the lift.
Blimey, how foolish! Commoners of America know this as “elevator”.
Ahem Britishly until someone of the appropriate social class notices you are awaiting assistance. Thank them profusely for activating the “elevator” call button, for you would never debase yourself with such proletarian labor!
Lounge at home as you await the DNA results that will surely confirm you are the long-lost heir to a British noble, thus making a formal occupation beneath you.
Good riddance!
