(To the tune of ‘I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General’ from The Pirates of Penzance)
I am the very model of a modern Mephistopheles.
I was the greatest president from hell, and everyone agrees.
Satan, when you kicked me out for doubting your authority,
You ordered me to stay here till I proved I could do worse than thee.
Well, RE: my demagoguery I’m teeming with a lot o’news.
Believe me, all the souls I’ve bought and sold will more than pay my dues!
I aced the seven deadly sins and practiced them religiously.
The ones from the Old Testament? I did those unrepentantly!
Though I’m renowned for vice enough to overwhelm the memory,
My genius brain allows me to recite them alphabetically:
Adultery and Blasphemy, Corruption and Dishonesty,
Extortion, frequent Fornication — often non-consensually.
Greed and Hedonism, self-Idolatry and Jealousy.
Kin-Leering so incesty, I made Mayhem Nepotistically!
Obstruction, I did that with Pride, and Quid-pro-quo’d Remorselessly.
Through science-Slander, Treacherous, my Untruths spread ills Viciously. Those Wrathful Xenophobic slurs I yelled to churn up Zealotry,
Prove I’m the Alpha model of a modern Mephistopheles.
Now don’t think for a moment that I let the sinning stop with me,
No one’s done more to elevate the worst parts of humanity.
I hobnobbed with the pedophiles and normalized misogyny.
My race bait lured the alt-right out and mainstreamed racial bigotry.
And though all lives don’t matter, I still used protesters cleverly
To stoke division, riling up both white and blue fragility.
In matters of the sinful, I have done the best atrocities.
I’m the most inciteful model of a modern Mephistopheles.
Just for kicks, I tainted every pillar of Democracy,
Starting by destroying norms of presidential decency.
I filled the courts and cabinet with sycophants so thoroughly,
Checks and balances referred to money paid out or trumped up by me.
And even whilst I wooed the pious right wing of the GOP,
I knew that backing me would damn them all for their hypocrisy.
I was a fickle plague on both their house and senate equally
And laid waste to the 4th estate. Now “facts” equal conspiracy!
Some thought they could investigate and charge a demon such as me
But I’m the Teflon model of a modern Mephistopheles.
When I have tortured millions via toilet tweets that easily
Smote governmental acronyms from FBI to CDC,
Used anti-social media for weaponized mass-misery,
By wielding short-form torment so adeptly, they deplatformed me.
When, then and now, my every move gets non-stop coverage on TV,
Thanks to lathered liberals and my network minion devotees,
You’ll say there’s never been a hellhound for publicity like me:
The highest-rated model of a modern Mephistopheles.
And Satan, let me clear things up, in case there’s ambiguity,
My sound defeat was nothing less than calculated strategy.
Indeed, I was so certain that I’d met your challenge damnably,
I “lost” the race to win myself the coup d’etat of finales!
Now reimpeachment honors my unpresidented legacy,
I’ll be the one and only two-trial president in history!
But lame, pathetic cowards won’t do justice to my devilry,
So skip the show, there’s no one better to condemn myself than ME:
The Mephistopheles the vast majority would love to see,
Go straight to hell without delay and make things great eternally!