HUMOR
Fuck Valentine’s Day! It’s Candy Clearance Day!
The superior holiday for adults who are NOT pathetic.
February 15th is Candy Clearance Day, and I’m so excited I’m going to eat the crap out of all the 75% off candy until I vomit chocolate hearts out my butt, and I’m not going to feel bad about it! Why? Because Candy Clearance Day makes Valentine’s Day look like the one who is the pathetic, stupid idiot who is never getting married!
Valentine’s Day depends on someone else to make you happy. On Candy Clearance Day, you don’t need anyone but your own damn self to go to the store. Partners come and go, but retailers needing to get rid of their leftover candy will be there for you every Feb 15th, no matter how much you yell and push them away!
Before Valentine’s Day, people buy expensive candy that is so pricey; they can’t afford to supply you with enough candy to power a rocketship to the moon. But you know who can? The romance-hating budget savvy mother celebrating Candy Clearance Day, that’s who! Why buy only enough chocolates to hate yourself the next day, when you can afford to eat enough chocolate to make everyone who ever dated you hate themselves forever!
On Valentine’s Day, you get a single box of chocolates, if you’re lucky. On Candy Clearance Day, you can get…
