Gnarly Surfer Tries to Squash Beef Between Legendary Wife and Her Grandma

Dr. Folklore’s Dating Advice for Mythical Folks (№82)

Kegan Witzki
Greener Pastures Magazine
3 min readAug 11, 2022
Artwork by Heather Brown, edit and quotes by author

Origin Story: A beautiful Hawaiian surfer, Laiekawahe, was advised to marry Chief Keakalukahiouokawa by her grandmother, Waka. A local boy, Halaaniani, hoped to win Laiekawahe for himself but he was too shy to talk to her. One morning, Laiekawahe and the Chief were going for a surf, and the boy joined them. They caught the first three short waves, and she kissed the Chief after the first wave, but the boy hung back and said he was waiting for a long one. As the two were about to catch a fifth wave, the boy pulled her back and insisted to wait for the next one. The two caught the most massive wave, and she fell in love when she saw his surfing skills. After the two married, her grandmother was so upset that she cursed her.

Aloha Dr. Folklore,

So like, my most bodacious wife and I fell in love during a most excellent surf session, but my wife’s grandma Waka is totally disrupting the vibes. She’s still peeved her grand-daughter married me over this Chief dude she arranged — no disrespect, he’s no kook, but the dude doesn’t grasp what my tubular companion needs: finding and shredding the sickest of gnars.

We’re trying to go with the flow, but her GranGran always leaves tension behind, like recently when she bashed my dudette’s immaculate kālua at the family lūʻau.

Not kewl, bro. NOT. KEWL.

I always try to have those two hash it out with a surf sesh, but she always declines, even though I know granny wants to rip. It’s harder to reason with her than landing an alley opp out of a choppy North Shore barrel ride, my dude.

All I want is for those two to gel again, even if they don’t agree with each other’s paths of righteousness. How can I have us all on the same wave?

— Bummer-In-Law

Aloha Bummer-In-Law,

When we choose to marry our partner, we intially have to deal with that one in-law who feels like a spiky sea urchin stabbing you in the foot after eating it from a dirty licking. However, you realize their irritation is merely a misunderstanding of…



Kegan Witzki
Greener Pastures Magazine

Actor. Writer. Creator. Assistant to Dr. Folklore.