Humor

Good Girl, Aggie! (№3)

Dog Columnist Answers Your Toughest Year End Questions

Teresa Douglas
Dec 16, 2020 · 3 min read
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Photo by Gilberto Reyes from Pexels

Dear Aggie,

I want to buy a gift for my mother’s pooch Snowball, but she has so many toys already! What do you get for the Pomeranian that has everything?

Sincerely,

Muddled in Montana

Dear Muddled,

First off, thank you for thinking of the four-footed members of your extended family. Too often we are passed over during gift-giving season despite being the Best Doggie in the Entire World. This is very doggist, and if we had opposable thumbs or credit cards, we wouldn’t stand for it. Alas.

Pomeranians are little, squeaky dogs, and they love little squeaky toys. Purchasing a few would be a safe — but not exciting — present. But I think you’re looking for something with a lot of ‘wow’ factor. In that case, get Snowball some cat poop. I guarantee nobody else is getting anything like that for Snowball.

And before you get all high and mighty about how gross cat poop is, may I remind you that humans pay a lot of money to drink coffee beans that come out of Civet butts. At least we get our cat poop for free.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

There’s a new vaccine out for COVID. I am very excited because that means the Pandemic will end soon! Do you think it’s okay for me to plan a New Year’s party to celebrate the end of 2020?

Sincerely,

Impatient in Idaho

Dear Impatient,

I invite you to think about planning a summer blowout party instead. Personally, I can’t wait until I can let people pet me. Make your plan NOW to slobber on strangers in the dog park and steal chew toys once the weather gets warmer.

You can even jump in the sprinklers and shake your coat out on everyone and they will laugh because we are together again!

It is worth waiting until we can do so safely. And it will be very very Good.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

I am very disturbed by that misogynistic twat waffle Joseph Epstein and his opinion piece in The Wall Street Journal. What is the dog’s point of view of this debacle? And what’s the proper response when people spew this sort of nonsense?

Disgusted in Delaware

Dear Disgusted,

No dog worth their treats would ever suggest that a woman should hide a professional title just to make a man feel better. First of all, we know what it’s like to live in a world not designed for dogs. Every single one of us had to learn Human as a Second Language from people who think that saying the word slowly and loudly is a solid teaching style.

We also know how hard it is to learn new tricks. If someone pointed a finger at you and said (in another language) “Bang,” would you intuitively know to fall on the floor? And why do you want my paw when you say “Shake”? At least sitting for treats makes sense.

Anybody who does the work to learn a new skill set deserves recognition. Anybody who says differently should be told to play dead.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

I’m having a problem with my dad. We’ve been living together since COVID, and he spends so much time trolling people on the internet. I’ve tried talking to him about his behavior but he doesn’t listen. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Troubled in Toronto

Dear Troubled,

It can be disturbing when our loved ones are Bad. This is especially true if the person acting badly is someone who taught us to be Good when we were small.

For example, I can’t stand the person who brings our groceries. I know we need food, but he comes into our yard without asking! I must bark! I must try to rip his pants like the dirty stealer of chew toys he might be! But does my Human reward me for my guard dogging? I’m sorry to say that I am deposited in the back room, where I can not protect our house. And no amount of whining changes the situation.

While I am 100% right to guard our home, you can still use the unjust tactics I am subjugated to in your own situation. Take away his internet, lock him in his room, and do not give him any treats until he promises to be Good again.

Aggie

Greener Pastures Magazine

Always looking for the better joke

Teresa Douglas

Written by

Mexican Yankee in Canada. Remote work speaker, manager. teresamdouglas.com. Book: Working Remotely: Secrets to Success for Employees on Distributed Teams

Greener Pastures Magazine

Greener Pastures is a comedy and satire site run by a bunch of writers obsessed with out-writing, out-joking and out-funnying each other.

Teresa Douglas

Written by

Mexican Yankee in Canada. Remote work speaker, manager. teresamdouglas.com. Book: Working Remotely: Secrets to Success for Employees on Distributed Teams

Greener Pastures Magazine

Greener Pastures is a comedy and satire site run by a bunch of writers obsessed with out-writing, out-joking and out-funnying each other.

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