HUMOR

Heads-Up That My Religion Will Be Discriminating Against You

It’s nothing personal, but I have to hate you now

Licensed from Shutterstock Images

Hey buddy, how’s it going? Just a quick note to let you know that my religion is going to be discriminating against you. Sorry about that. You’re a nice guy and all, but my faith requires I treat you as terribly as possible from now on.

It’s not even your fault. I mean, you didn’t choose to have dimples. Did I mention that? It’s your dimples. The wisest zealots of my faith believe that dimples are a mark of demonic possession. I heard about it at our house of worship on Thursday, which is the correct sacred day of the week, and not Sunday or Sabbath or whatever you dimpled monsters believe. That’s when I learned that dimples are caused by the devil grabbing your face when he sucks your soul out of your body, which kind of makes sense if you believe things like that.

It’s too bad, as we’ve been friends since high school, but my religion’s infallible leaders have decided that you’re a subhuman abomination.

It’s not enough for people of my faith to hate you — everyone else must too. That’s why we’re using the legal system to further discriminate against you, and all the other dimpled mutants. We are asking the courts to grant us an exclusion from recognizing your fundamental human rights. Then we can deny you housing, education, healthcare, employment, privacy, property, safety, liberty, and everything else you want, in a way that’s 100% legal, and therefore right, just, and fair.

What we’re talking about here is freedom. Our freedom to deny you freedom. We believe our position is supported by our “originalist” interpretation of the U.S. Constitution, which was originally used to discriminate against lots of people.

You know who agrees with my religion? Religiously conservative judges, whom we trust to make decisions unaffected by their religion. Unless it’s the same religion as ours, in which case we hope they’re super affected.

Needless to say, you’re kicked-out of poker night. You can keep the poker chips I left at your house. Consider them a parting gift, to take wherever you’re banished— along with the rest of the dimpled freaks.