Humor
Hey Neighbor! Just Need To Borrow Your Ladder
And A Few Other Things
Hey there, State Farmer! Correction, you are not merely good, you’re the absolute best neighbor. Listen, have you seen my step ladder? Rickety. Unsafe. I could be injured, possibly severely, were I to use said ladder for my home renovation project. Your ladder is far superior. Gorgeous, lustrous chrome. Please, I beg of you, let me borrow your ladder. I’ll repay the favor by returning it inspected, cleaned, and professionally oiled.
As it so happens, I also need to borrow your truck. At the risk of stating the obvious, your truck is a high performance machine, capable of transporting far more raw material than my small, pathetic auto. If your truck is a fully grown human, my vehicle is a whining teenager wearing cowboy cut slim fit Wrangler jeans. I promise to return the truck in working order with a full tank of gas and an oil change.
These minor impositions mean a lot to me as your neighbor. In this vein, I must use your yacht to host a vibrant gala this coming weekend. My own watercraft is barely seaworthy. The last thing this community needs is a boating accident. Imagine the loss, in terms of both human life and diminished tourism. As such, I think you’ll agree that allowing me the use of your wonderful vessel is a win all around. Of course I’ll have the boat professionally serviced before returning it to your slip at the marina.
We’ve been through a lot together, an undeniable bond of trust galvanizes us. This is why I’m asking for access to your entire financial portfolio. When one thinks of economic risk, the first thing to consider is strength in numbers. Numbers of eyes. Imagine the resilience created when I analyze your 401k, your stock and mutual fund investments, the 529 plans you’ve wisely set up for your offspring. The fact that I’ll have all your account numbers and passwords effectively adds a layer of security and accessibility that was previously unavailable to you.
You may notice a line of credit from time to time on your mortgage statement. That’s me, helping you. By putting an addition on my home and having a pool installed. These small investments will dramatically increase your own property value. As a pro bono service to you, I will be providing you investment recommendations such as rebalancing strategies and tax reduction techniques. Your entire portfolio will be lathered up for infinite growth.
Now, I’m fully cognizant of the sacrifices you’re making for me and our community. That’s why I want you to have some time to yourself to decompress and recharge. In that spirit, please send your spouse to spend the evening in my home tonight. You’ll benefit from a quiet evening of repose, and your significant other will be returned in the morning glowing with a sheen of personal revitalization. You know what they say: love thy neighbor.
