Humor, Dogs

Hot Tips From A Puppy To Level Up Your Kissing Game

Self-proclaimed expert smoocher with 10 months of experience here to tell you that you’ve been doing it all wrong

Throw away your Cosmo magazines! No need for incognito Google searches! Gather round, cause I’ve got all the hottest smackeroo secrets and I’m ready to share them free of charge. Although, tossing me a bone as payment would really get my tail waggin. Here’s the cold hard truth: some of us were just born with the smooching skills of a soap opera lead (me) and some of us need a little finessing to get it right (you.) Trust me, once you get out of your own head and start playing by my foolproof rules, everyone will be begging you to give ’em some sugar.

1. Never brush your teeth. Coming from someone who doesn’t even know what a toothbrush is and gets mad action all day long; I think we can safely rule out dental hygiene as a factor in the quality or frequency of your kisses.
2. Stay hydrated. When you kiss as often as I do, it can get pretty dehydrated in there. That’s why it’s always good to lap up ample amounts of water before going in for the kill, even if it’s just a quick drink from the dirty puddle on the sidewalk. Sloppy kisses are the best kind of kisses and there’s nothing sloppy about dry chops.
3. Wait 5–10 minutes after licking your butthole. Honestly there’s no set timeframe for recalibrating your mouth after a deep nether regions cleanse but taking a 10 minute beat seems to be the general courtesy. Of course this only counts if your companion caught you going to town on your back end…if they didn’t even notice, it totally doesn’t count.
4. All tongue, sometimes teeth. Sure those Frenchies knew what they were doing when they invented the tongue kiss, but I like to add a little flair of my own and toss in a nibble as well, “Mississippi Mutt” style. The name hasn’t quite caught on yet, but give it time to go viral.
5. Make sure the recipient of your affection doesn’t know you just threw up. An oddly specific tip, but having been through it recently, an important one. Luckily, the delivery guy was none the wiser to the heaping pile of Puperoni treats I had just gakked in the grass steps away from where he kneeled and let me clean out his sinuses with my probing tongue. It would’ve been super embarrassing if he saw that go down and then denied me that very special moment. So just remember — low-key puke and rally for kisses!
6. The element of surprise is key. Is your partner fully asleep? Give ’em a little drive-by mouth to mouth to let them know that even in dreamland their lips looks like a snack. Is someone mid-conversation with their mouth wide open? Hop on up and slip that tongue right in. There’s nothing sexier than a little romance when they least expect it.
7. Know when it’s not a good time for a makeout sesh. PSYCH, it’s always a good time for a makeout sesh.
8. Get consent first. The consent, of course, is someone looking in your general direction and saying hello. Then it’s go-time, baby. My tongue is already out and ready to swipe their mouth like a rotating car wash scrubber spinning at full speed.
9. Strangers love kisses too. Some of my best kisses have been with someone I’ve never seen again. It’s all about the mystery of a new mouth and the thrill of not knowing if they’ve also just eaten a mound of woodchips at the park.
10. Practice makes perfect. I’ve been the kissing bandit since I was born and it’s not like I can get any better than I already am. But even a peckmaster like me takes the time to keep honing my craft. Practice daily on your pillow, your food, the floor, the wall. The limit does not exist as to how often you can exercise that tongue (and teeth, #MissippiMuttStyle) to make sure you’re good and ready for the next big snog.