Humor
How to Eat Exactly One Serving of Doritos
After discovering that twelve chips amount to one serving, curse the FDA.
Step 1: Find out how many chips constitute one serving by reading the nutrition facts label.
Step 2: After discovering that twelve chips amount to one serving, curse the FDA.
Step 3: Channel your Doritos-related despondency by frantically waving your fists in the air for ten minutes. Note: Calories burned from this exercise permits you to eat a thirteenth chip.
Step 4: Select thirteen chips and cup them preciously in your hands. Smell.
Step 5: As a gratitude exercise, sing them a song. Something along the lines of “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak.
Step 6: Arrange the Doritos artfully. Snap a pic and post to Instagram with no caption because this makes you appear mysterious to fellow foodies. Do #foodporn #Snackstagram though.
Step 7: Lick off the salty flavor from each Doritos chip. Then discard the now flavorless chips.
Step 8: Select twelve more Doritos (thirteen if you repeated the furious fist waving). Place these chips in your mouth. Chew. Slowly. But not so slowly that you choke on the Doritos/saliva mound.
Step 9: Clip the Doritos bag shut and stow it in the pantry. Wipe away your tears. Walk away with the knowledge that you’ve been incredibly brave.
Step 10: Four minutes later, sing “Foolish Games” by Jewel and return to the pantry. Stand in darkness and feel your way to the Doritos bag. Eat the remaining one hundred and fifty-four chips because what happens in the dark stays in the dark.
Congratulations, you’ve accomplished what no other person on Earth has. Treat yourself to another serving of Doritos. You’ve earned it!
