Humor

How to Give Some Color to Your Last Act

Kicking the bucket need not be a grave affair

Photo by Paul Quispe on Unsplash

Most people want to go out in formal, traditional fashion… but does this really express your true essence? Here are a few things you need to consider before you move along to the other side:

INVITATIONS

Sure, not everyone will be thrilled by a themed gig — even more reason for your nearest and dearest want to pay their last respects in seeing you in your truest form. Strait-laced Aunt Betty will eventually appreciate your Christmas-themed pole dancing affair, complete with a Santa gift-wrapped casket tucked under a fully decked tree. Don’t forget to give her a post-mortem surprise with a Mistletoe at the graveside.

OFFICIATOR

Be sure to leave specific instructions to your favorite cleric before they officiate the funeral. If you’re planning on mixing in a little Star Wars into the extravaganza, for example, the rabbi must wear a tight-fitted Baby Yoda costume while doing the Regular Yoda voice and reading your manifesto on why the Christmas episode is a lost masterpiece.

EULOGY

These may seem tricky, but it’ll lighten the mood when you ask loved ones recounting heartfelt memories of their dearly departed to garner traditional ears and hairy feet of a Hobbit. For this to work, each one must throw in a sentence about their latest quest of finding “precious” — which, for this proceeding, is finding George R.R. Martin’s finished copy of Game of Thrones (and allow heated arguments for which series is better).

PALLBEARERS

Another crucial detail worth considering is who will carry you, and who better than all members of the League of Superheroes carry your casket to its last resting place. One trip on a cloak can lead to the unedifying sight of Batman and Superman stuffing you back into the casket, but it can also remind us that, like you, all our greatest heroes are merely mortal.

MUSIC

A funeral without the right tunes is like a wreath without flowers, and the best underused tunes to send off the dead must be the Looney Tunes theme song — a perfect way to exclaim, “That’s All Folks!”

SEND OFF

If keeping the casket is not your style, have your caped crusaders place you in a traditional Viking log ship placed on a nearby river, and have your cousin dressed as Green Arrow be the one to shoot the flaming arrow, incinerating you (and the VHS) in fabulous flames. Instead of imagining the trauma it’ll cause the children, reframe it as a lesson in Biology to time how fast the flesh can melt.

Whatever you decide, don’t get all morose because you won’t be sharing the fun when your time comes — you’re partying in the afterlife (if you believe in that). Besides, you get the last laugh: you won’t be there to clean up the mess.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.