How to Set Up Two-Factor Authentication, According to Your Brain
I have been hacked by intrusive thoughts! I recommend enabling two-factor authentication for a clearer mindset.
Step One: Go to “Manage My Brain.”
After shuffling through your cyclical thoughts such as I’m crazy and I’m not normal, please find the “Manage My Brain” button located in your hypothalamus. It’s wedged in between that video of two snuggling sloths in pajamas and that memory of ripping your jeans while bending down at your locker in middle school.
Step Two: Type in your password.
Enter your password, which is probably your dog’s name + the number of times you call yourself an unloveable monster.
Incorrect password, huh? Ugh, I hate to say this, but we should check in with hippocampus. That lobe-kissing know-it-all.
Oh my gosh, hello brain! It is so sweet of you to think of me. Though I wasn’t able to retrieve last week’s request for a sincere compliment to pay yourself, I was able to locate your password. It is the date in which you ran into a door in front of your hot neighbor + the number of times you’ve avoided him since.
Step Three: Verify your identity.
Now that your password was accepted, select the statements that reflect those pesky hackers you’re experiencing:
- Your boss thinks you’re the worst.
- You’re going to die alone.
- Your dog wishes he had a better owner.
- You are wonderful, brilliant, talented — HAHA JK UR TRASH!
Check here to prove that you are not a robot, but rather a weak, pathetic human.
Step Four: Select “Turn on Two-Factor Authentication.”
You can proceed once you’ve correctly answered these security questions.
Q: What is an embarrassing memory from your childhood?
A: When I was five, I mistook another woman for my grandma in a children’s museum and I realized my mistake as soon as I grabbed her hand.
Q: Although that woman most likely forgot your error mere moments after it happened, how often do you think about it?
A: Oh, once a week.
Q: Are you aware that it really wasn’t a big deal?
A: For sure!
Q: Then, why do you think about it so often?
A: It was so embarrassing!
Q: Can’t you just choose not to think about this?
Q: Can’t you just select your thoughts in the same way you select your groceries?
A: But it doesn’t work like —
Q: And then you can shut off those thoughts and just be a normal person for once?
A: Wait, you’re not —
Q: It’s so stinking easy, I can’t believe you haven’t thought of this before! Just stop thinking!
A: Do you have a question in there?
Q: (whines) Blah blah, do you have a question? Do you hear how stupid you sound?
A: No, I’m not stupid.
Two-Factor Authentication request denied.
A: Oh, wait. I’m an idiot! I’m the worst! Seriously, I’m a mewling, inane dolt!
Congratulations! Your Two-Factor Authentication request was processed. You may now set a new password to deflect those intrusive thoughts in the future.
Step Five: Create a new password.
Your new password: Dumbass
Your password needs a special character.
Your new password: Dumbas$