Satire

An Open Letter to the Twitter Doctors Freaking Out about Donuts

Thank you, Twitter doctors, for opening my glaze-encrusted eyes.

Dear Twitter Doctors Who Are Freaking Out about Donuts,

Thank you, Twitter Doctors, for your profound and shocking insight that donuts are not, in fact, a health food. Until you scolded Krispy Kreme’s free-donut-for-the-vaccinated promotion, I was under the impression that donuts were fruits. Because what is a donut hole if not a discarded donut pit?

You see, I am a fat person. As such, I am very stupid. That’s just math. Before your blessed intervention, my fat brain only knew “donuts=tasty.” I was not aware that “donuts=sometimes food.” Frankly, I thought that sometimes foods were just a lie cooked up by Sesame Street to police Cookie Monster’s body. My brain simply had too many donuts floating around in it for me to be able to form the correct thoughts about insidious Big Donut. Thank you for releasing me from my pleasure prison.

Before your selfless Twitter advocacy, I believed donuts could be part of a well-rounded diet. Now I see that they are instead tiny digestive garrottes that will strangle my healthy cells and turn them into evil fat cells. Or maybe they’re poison? Either way, because of your incredible work…