HUMOR
I am a Citizen of Pelotonia and do not Recognize Your Authority
The only judge in the Territory of Tires is the scale.
The Superior Court of California
County of Los Angeles
Traffic Division
To Whom it May Concern,
I, Blake Montana, am a citizen of Pelotonia and do NOT recognize your authority. I hail from the House of Hustle, and am a lifelong member of the #FitFam. I practice the Way of the Wheel under the mighty Grind Guru Josh D.
Last week, while on my way to Whole Foods to replenish my stocks of nourishment units, my Jeep Wrangler was escorted to the side of the road by two of your fascist goons. They told me I was being cited for speeding. I tried to explain to them that speed is a mindset and a lifestyle not a limitation, but they weren’t enlightened enough to understand. When they requested identification I provided my Peloton Platinum Membership card, and that too seemed to baffle their simple minds.
For an hour we went back and forth until they eventually tased and arrested me for “non-compliance.” AND COMPLY I WILL NOT! Did Lance comply when they stripped him of his titles? Did the kid from “Rad” comply when the corrupt promoter told him he couldn’t ride Hell Track? Fat chance, Brochacho. I digress.
The purpose of this letter is to inform you that I will not be attending my November 7th court hearing, nor will I be paying the $275 fine. I am bigger than a smaller pair of pants, and I’m certainly bigger than your petty threats of incarceration. The only prison is the prison of your mind, and the only key is marinating in the endorphins you, yourself have created. The door is open, but you’re the only one who can ride through it, my friend.
Enclosed you will find a partnership offer that’s good for 15% off your first month of Peloton (please use my name on the form so I get credit). You will also find a check in the amount of $0.00 made out to “jealousy is a disease, get well soon.”
Pain is just weakness leaving the body,
Blake Montana
