HUMOR

I Believe Everyone Deserves A Living Wage, Except My Piece Of Shit Assistant, Blake

Do you really want Mr. Giggles the Hyena to go hungry so Blake can afford some dumpy studio in Silver Lake?

Author’s edits to photos by Dennis Groom and Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash.

I believe a living wage is a human right. As an influencer who grew up with nothing but a Beverly Hills mansion and my daddy’s connections, I know what it is to struggle to pay for basic necessities like daily blowouts, hand-picked organic hop shoots, and sports bras made from conflict-free diamonds. That is why I am calling for fair and equitable wages for all.

Except my assistant, Blake.

I am proud to use my platform to demand higher wages for blue-collar types, like that guy who fixed my toilet after I flushed too many baggies of cocaine. But not for douchey film school dropouts who can’t even remember how to properly dispense my homeopathic tincture for restless soul syndrome, Blake.

And, of course, #notallcorporations. The brands I work with are all extraordinary and would never exploit their workers, even fuckups like Blake who can’t seem to book a simple holiday photoshoot with Pope Francis and the Dalai Lama. No, I’m talking about evil places like McDonald’s, though my manager did mention a possible…