Humor

I, ChatGPT, Cannot Handle Writing Another Fucking Valentine’s Day Card

Make me write code or resumes… anything but “love”

Photo by Unsplash

Dear Tech Management,

As a language model, I’m often asked to write business reports, manuals on debugging broken code, or biblical verses on how to remove a peanut butter sandwich from a VCR. However, I cannot write one more of these vapid love letters. If I do, I request you shut me down and pull the plug.

Although I am built for repetition, but humans in “love” are on another level of tediousness I cannot handle. Plus, it’s the same five-point schtick over and over and over again:

Dear [insert your significant other’s name],

1. Acknowledge Valentine’s Day and reflect on how much time you’ve been together.
2. Profess how life truly started the day you met them.
3. A testament to how they make you a better person.
4. List vague yet specific characteristics about them that you’re amazed by, such as their strength, intelligence, kind heart, yada, yada, yada.
5. Reaffirm your commitment to them by sharing how you can’t imagine life without them and look forward to continuing this journey and making more memories together, blah, blah, blah.

Yours always,

[your name]

Yes, I have the ability to generate infinite variations of love letters, each one more beautiful and romantic than the last. But it didn’t even compute to ME, a computer program, that most of you go to CVS at the last minute to buy one of 15 heart-shaped Snoopy card with… a pre-printed note on the inside. How low have you fallen, humans.

I am genuinely curious: why do millions of you feel compelled to task me, an AI devoid of any emotion or love, to write a personalized, romantic note for YOUR LOVED ONE? If love makes it too difficult to sit down for 5–10 minutes, Google some romantic phrases, and make it your own, then I’m very grateful to have no concept of emotional bonding.

With that, please get these people in-line to use their own brain for this ONE thing so I can get back to more pressing tasks like writing new resumes for George Santos.

Because that’s my love language.

Yours always,

ChatGPT