HUMOR

I Have Your Son…

Who’s really being held hostage?

RE: I have your son…

Hi there!

Hope you’re having a great Wednesday.

Thank you for confirming the whereabouts of our boy… we were starting to wonder why it was so quiet around the house! For context, ever since our son lost his job and moved back home (darn that COVID!), he’s been experimenting with new hobbies. Lately, it’s been the drums. We love and support our boy, but mom and dad need a break!

How about this, we’ll leave $55,000 in the mailbox by sundown and you keep him for a few more weeks. That should hopefully be enough time for him to get back on his feet.

Does that work for you?

Appreciate your flexibility and hope to hear from you soon!

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RE: I don’t think you understand…

Thanks so much for the timely reply!

If possible, we would love it if our son were to remain as alive and un-tortured as possible. Per my last note, we absolutely adore our big guy, we just need a couple of weeks off from the aforementioned drumming, the non-stop binge watching and the late night kitchen experiments that he refuses to clean up.

He might seem high maintenance, but he really doesn’t need that much. We’re happy to up it to $60,000 to cover the expense of food (he’s a bit picky but he loves meatloaf and mashed potatoes…happy to pass along my recipe), La Croix sparkling water (do NOT get Canada Dry he absolutely loathes the stuff) and a Hulu Premium subscription (he gets cranky when he has to watch too many ads).

Oh, and make sure you have two-ply toilet paper on hand. He’s a bit sensitive back there.

Looking forward to your response!

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RE: I am not a babysitter…

Hello again!

Good to hear from you again.

We totally hear you and apologize in advance if we’re putting you in an uncomfortable position. Believe me, we know you’re not a babysitter…you charge way less than the sitters in this neighborhood! All jokes aside, just let us know how much you need to take our out-of-work 31-year-old off our hands for a couple of weeks.

Did I mention that he starts drinking every day around noon? Might not be a bad idea to stock up on light beer.

Thx so much for your understanding!

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RE: 80,000 dollars…

Howdy,

Appreciate the follow up!

Hmmm…I’ve read through your note a couple of times and I’m not sure we can agree to those accommodations in good conscience. We’ll go ahead and up the payment to $100,000 if you fix him up in a chain-free spare bedroom with fridge and bathroom access. He’ll almost certainly ask to use the master bath but we totally understand if you don’t want him to.

Also, if we wind up going a couple of days over the two weeks we initially talked about, how would you feel about a $5,000 per diem? We think that’s totally reasonable but open to suggestions.

Thoughts?

Talk soon!

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RE: OK. Fine. Deal…

Hey there,

Thanks for circling back!

My only concern before moving forward is that I don’t think I can fit $100,000 in unmarked bills in my mailbox. If for whatever reason I can’t make that work, do you prefer Venmo, Zelle or Cash App? Let me know when you get a sec.

Ciao for now!

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RE: Venmo would be great…

Hiya,

Sent! I went ahead and marked the payment as private ;).

If you need anything else, you know where to find us. Give our young man a hug and kiss from mom and pop!

Thanks again, KidNapMan433.

Ta-ta!

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