Humor
I Use Fight Club In My Motivational Talks To Seniors
What’s the First Rule of Harrison Retirement Center?
Guys, gals, geriatrics, crank those Harrison hearing aids for me. Listen, I threw in a senior discount for this talk, no need to flash your AARP membership cards. Let’s start by taking a deep breath. Mmm, I love orthopedic shoes.
I am here today to help you lean in. And when I say lean, I don’t mean hunching over a walker, limping around like Angel Face from the acclaimed motion picture Fight Club. I mean connecting on social media.
Anyone here know the First Rule of Fight Club? Nothing? In the film, Tyler Durden’s character is portrayed by none other than the venerable Brad Pitt. Tyler gets his tail kicked on a daily basis. But here’s the thing, Durden was — in reality — kicking his own ass the whole time. That’s you guys. Disconnected. Hiking up compression socks, blasting away at your own backsides.
But keep your chin up. A great example is Former Harrison resident Sam Anders. He was here the last time I spoke. Sam’s not with us today. Is it because he died? No. Sam isn’t here because he seized his lifelong dream of playing pickleball. Full transparency, he’s now laid up at the county general with a busted hip. But here’s the thing, Sam took a great step forward and put himself on the net. He charged the net! He may never walk again, but for five days he was truly free. All because he got on social and joined a hybrid pickleball anime Instagram group.
Not all stories end so happily. Last year, bradpittfan.org filed suit against me for threatening to DDOS their site. It goes without saying, but any group that creates a message board entitled, “We’re talking about Fight Club” must be completely eliminated from society. At the very least, they need to get owned in a subreddit. See? We keep moving forward, evolving, and engaging in healthy online debate.
How about something more relatable? You, Widow Garrison, can I politely ask what the hell you have been up to for the past fifty years? Here’s the thing. I Googled you, and the only thing I could find online was your sister’s obituary from back in aught nine. Nobody gives a damn. That’s called kicking your own ass. Not on social. Not free. Ma’am, with all due respect, pretty soon Father Time is going to be the one doing the kicking.
What’s the solution? Connections, follows, likes. It ain’t simple, there will be setbacks. Why just last week, I posted a tasteful, AI-generated image on the Brad Pitt Facebook Fan Club, and they banned me. I ask you, what could possibly be wrong with an image of Mr. Pitt and yours truly, racing dirt bikes through the desert, being chased by Lady Gaga and former President William Howard Taft?
That’s my stake in the ground. I ask each of you, what is yours? It’s time to figure it out before they put you in the ground. So, take off those ridiculous weighted blanket robe thingies and jettison the First Alert monitors. Stop wasting time on jigsaw and sudoku, and start connecting and curating.
Here’s the plan. Step one, get on social. Step two, stop looking at me like I’m the insane one. Step three, watch Fight Club, it’s on Prime Video. Step four, stop kicking your own asses. Step five, you do not talk about step three.
